Saying What I Said Does Not Necessarily Mean I Said What You Thought I Said. Sometimes It’s What Someone Else Surmised I Said…Just Saying

As I’m writing a novel, short story, or whatever, I attempt to make it feel as though the reader is a part of what woke up deadI’m writing by being descriptive about surroundings, clothing and anything you would normally experience in day-to-day life; including dialogue–the type of which I refer to as “goofy stuff.”

I’ve now learned that make-believe people say, do, and believe the same idiotic things that us real, dad gum, true-to-life people what breathes air and everything do…things like sayings, that, although make absolutely no sense, seem to make perfect sense to a certain percentage of the living/nonliving population.

Have you ever “woken up dead?” It seems there are those who have accomplished this feat. I’m still looking for a credible occurrence but all those who claim to have risen from their slumber in this condition are too hard to understand; i.e., teeth falling out, limbs dropping off and you would not believe the smell.

Another interesting quote that I seem to hear entirely too often (in fact, I think it should become a misdemeanor) is, “I’m finding myself.” Boy, if you ain’t found yourself by now, you better stop looking. Let me give you step-by-step instructions on how to accomplish this feat.

1) Walk into the bathroom.
2) Stand in front of the mirror.
3) If your eyes are closed, open them.
4) You are officially “found.”
5) Now, get off whatever part of your body you’ve been lazing around on, get a job, and act like somebody.
6) If by chance you still cannot locate yourself, then it’s quite possible you are wasting oxygen the rest of us can use. Maybe you should consider an exploratory trip to Jupiter. I’m sure you’d have no trouble getting there.

We’re coming down the home stretch.

Wrap your head around this one, “I found it in the last place I looked.” Let’s take a moment to dissect this statement. One could say, “I looked in ten different places, then low and behold, I found it in the 3rd place I looked.” What does this statement say to you? Does it scream idiocrasy or does it imply a more insightful conclusion to this conundrum by way of tenacity?

If you’ve taken time to read the last paragraph, then know this: You have wasted a minute or so of your life that you will never get back.

I will leave you with these words of wisdom for those of you who haven’t departed for Jupiter as of yet. Live, love, laugh, linger in lucidly, lounge in leisure, listen, learn, lavish in lessons and leap into life. Just stay away from stupid stuff.

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