Fore!!!

Ever consider stepping outside of your comfort zone as far as your writing is concerned? I enjoy sneaking in little tidbits of sideways information; a lot of which end up in my blog. I’ve always ascribed to the saying, “a bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work.” The more I think about this popular saying; the more I must question my blind following of this bastion of golfdom.

Item one:

Your initial cost to participate in the sport of golf could run into the thousands, taking into account, equipment, attire and lessons.

Your initial cost to participate in work, “a signed check made out to you.”

Item two:

In the game of golf, be it a good or bad day, there’s those pesky green and cart fees.

In the world of work, there are no fees, only “a signed check made out to you.”

Item three:

You’re actually playing a round of golf now. Being a bad day on the golf course, you avoid the fairway in favor of the woods, water, tall grass and goose turds.

Back at work, you‘re taking a break and still drawing, “a signed check made out to you.”

Item four:

On hole twelve, you’ve just lost your ninth ball. Wrap club around ball washer. No matter; couldn’t hit the driver anyway. Blood pressure up 30 points; one step closer to stroke.

Sure must be a good day at work; you just got a raise and a promotion. Wadda ya know, there’s “a signed check made out to you” only, this time, there are more zeros.

Item five:

Seek shelter under tree during thunderstorm.

Back at work, you’re worried about friend playing golf in thunderstorm.

Item six:

Price per round of golf now inflated due to $8000 funeral.

Condolences fly around office along with new mandate–play golf; get fired.

Next day, sell clubs, take up whack-a-mole.

Why We Were Are We Is…That Being Said, More or Less, Says It All–Part 2

Grab onto something and hold on tight. We are about to begin the second installment of:   “Why we were are we is… that being said, more or less, says it all-part 2.”

 In our rousing talk last week we touched on what it would be like if we could become an eagle, a blue crab, a king crab, or the creature with an ever-expanding role in this universe, the mayfly.

This week we will start with the bottlenose dolphin:

 Just imagine having 4/5’s of the world as your playground. To romp and frolic, eat raw fish, turn the internal organs of great white sharks into mush with your namesake and save the occasional human to get your name in the headlines.

 The dolphin’s intelligence has come under scrutiny as of late. Scientists can’t agree whether their book smarts are quite as good as once thought, or if they’re on the same level as the rest of the animal kingdom.

 Now allow me to interject or impart (I couldn’t decide which word I liked more, so I used them both) some of my own observations regarding animal intelligence.

 We’ve all seen the Dolphins excel in synchronized swimming, perform various tricks for raw fish treats, and even snuggle with a kiss for some lucky participant. The Navy has used them experimentally to set underwater detonation devices.  I’m no brain surgeon, but that would seem to be an accurate measure of intelligence.

 As a comparison, I would like to enlist another member of the animal kingdom who has been touted to possess unequalled brainpower… the great ape.

 On one trip to the Midwest, I happened upon a zoo with a gorilla exhibit. It was very well done; made to look like their natural habitat. To my delight there sat a solitary adult gorilla dining on some of the finest herbage ever plucked from a tree in his right hand. His left hand told a different story. Our intellectual giant would catch his grass laden turds and recycle these tasty leftovers via his pie hole. Now, knowing that, “you are what you eat,” rings true (for what you put into your body is what you will get out) and if these creatures are only one strand of DNA from being human; boy, oh boy, somebody’s got a problem.

 I’ll let you guys mull this one over. Me? I’m pulling for the dolphins… It’s all about the clean thing and fish being brain food, but then again, what do I know? This ape could have been the first of its kind–a visionary…a revolutionary…the first green monkey.

There’s one more comparison I have to make. This one is in more of a personal nature and it deals with the lack of intellectual prowess. Do you remember the lazy days of summer when you were a kid? We would have a yard full of June bugs (a green flying beetle) that we would enjoy catching. Not that insects are particularly intelligent, but I would have to crown the June bug the brain-dead of the bug world. I remember many times, instead of flying around the house, they would start at the bottom and beat their poor little brainless cranium into the house rising several inches at a time, until it reached the height it could fly over the house.

 Stupid bug. Nuff said.

 Now, I have saved the absolute best for last–my sister’s dog, Gomer. How does one describe such an animal? It will be difficult, for none like him have roamed the earth before and none certainly have since.

Gomer was one of those rare breeds that would walk up to you sideways, beating himself in the face with his own tail. He had more intelligence in his undescended testicle then collectively in his entire body; but a sweeter dog could not be found.

 Gomer enjoyed several activities. His favorite, far and beyond the rest, was being struck and or run over by motor vehicles. Gomer didn’t discriminate. It made no difference whether it be car or truck. If Gomer could have spoken, I know what those words would have been. “Duh, num, num, num!” I, myself, hit Gomer twice. My uncle and brother-in-law no doubt racked up countless strikes and that’s not including the many we didn’t know about.

 Gomer also enjoy plunging through screen doors during thunderstorms.

 It could never be said that Gomer didn’t live life to the fullest. When I’m asked about his death, I can honestly say, “he left this world doing what he loved… with tire tracks across his head.”

Why We Were Are Where We Is…That Being Said, More or Less, Says It All

Think of what an intriguing and entertaining book you could write if it was possible to become any animal you wished for a day.

 Maybe you would decide upon the majestic bald Eagle, the noble symbol for these United States of America. Perhaps it would be the turkey, a bird that Benjamin Franklin entertained instead of the Eagle.

 Truth be told the turkey is stealthy and quite possibly, its cunning may be unequaled in the avian kingdom; while the Eagle will feed on any and everything, including carrion. But for my money, I’d rather have a junkyard dog with gritty sharp mouth and talons of steel on my side than a wrinkly old college professor.

 Have you ever wondered about the sea critters we so enjoy to crunch and munch? Perhaps a crab living on the bottom of the sea.

 All of a sudden, the dual clawed dumpster-divers most common food item plops down in front of him (the cackle flappa-cronis) ready for a fight. In layman’s terms this beast is known as ‘the chicken wing.’

 Once the crustacean ensnares the wing, the crustacean himself is ensnared. He lands on the dock and immediately begins the sideways ritardo strut, straight into the crab house hot tub.

 How about that luscious lover of golden liquid just begging for a ride from the depths (where it dines on microscopic delicacies and moves about in tandem canvassing the cold seafloor) to a bowl of butter near you? I’m talking of none other than our friend, the majestic king crab. This jaunty long legged fellow’s IQ is so above board that I will attempt a rendition of what is known in crustacean circles as “jiggle to the Jacuzzi.” A little ditty that goes like this:

 Pad-dukey-duke, Pad-dukey-duke, dukey -dukey-duke, splash!

 We’ll do one more.

 Just for the sake of argument, let’s say you have decided to become  a mayfly for a day. It would go something like this:

•  Crawl from the water and dry your wings.
• Fly off in search of another you, only with different equipment.
• Find said she-fly and begin procreation.
• Complete illicit act of creating illegitimate children, have cigarette, and then die.

Even though you didn’t enjoy 24 hours of life, you did your part in assuring the continuation of your species.

Wow, what fun we’ve had today pretending–much too much fun for any one small group to keep to themselves.

I know! Next week invite your friends and will do it all over again.

Be sure to eat all your meat and I’ll see you again real soon!

I Wonder If Fish Get Headaches….

Are you a sports fan? If so, what your game? Football, baseball, hockey, soccer, tennis, basketball, NASCAR. Or maybe even hunting or fishing. I know I’ve omitted a number of popular sports, but you get the general idea.

 I’d say that football is more than likely one of the most popular in the United States. It would be my first choice as a spectator sport. As far as an activity for participation, in a word, fishing floats my boat. (pun intended)

 Since this just happens to be that special time of year when everyone gets together to celebrate that singular occurrence that we all wait for with great anticipation, wait for it, wait for it, here it comes, it’s almost here, just another second, it’s finally here!… striped bass fishing on the Outer Banks of North Carolina… Oh yeah, and the Super Bowl. Let’s just take a few minutes to explore some of the similarities and differences between the two.

 1.) When fishing you can catch a buzz with a beer.

 2.) In football, you catch that buzz with a concussion.

 3.) The fisherman brings his rod back in preparation for the long cast.

 4.) The quarterback drops back in preparation for the long pass. (see line number 2)

 5.) The fisherman attempts to outwit his quarry with hooks, rigs, lures and bait.

 6.) In football, brute force is used to power through the enemy lines. (see line number 2)

 7.) A good day on the water rewards the fisherman and family with a delectable meal.

 8.) A good day on the gridiron rewards the participants with another day of life and of course (see good ole line number 2)

My first passion would be writing, just ahead of salt water angling in the surf at the beach. Come to think of it, it’s been quite a few years since I tossed around the ole pig skin.

 Guess I’m just a big sissy who likes to eat fish.

 Always remember: give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll set out in a boat and drink beer.