Tag Archives: humor

It Seems to Me That Stuff Plays Such a Large Part of Our Stuff That the Stuff We Value Gets Stuffed Away Where No Stuff Should Be Stuffed, Rendering It Useless Stuff

I’ve been toying with a story idea I’d like to run past you. It would parallel real life and go something like this:

Kelly awoke startled by her bed-blaster alarm clock. She slid out of her Sleep Letter Bed and onto her new Lumber Bum apple-wood, pre-finished, laminated floor. Kelly washed her face with Spring Clean, brushed her teeth with Tarter Boom and combed her hair with Spray and Fill.

“There you are,” she said, placing her hand on her newly purchased make-up device. She sprayed an even coat of base with her air brush, followed by Lusty Eye mascara, Double Dip lipstick and a last minute dollop of Pimple Prep.

She slipped into her designer little black dress, designer 6” black heels and headed for the kitchen designed by Likea. She popped four Waste Away Fat Busting tablets, downed a quarter sized Weight Be Gone bran muffin, then headed to work.

Kelly arrived at work sporting her new BNW with no-hands parking technology. She worked until midday designing designer socks with open-toe technology. She devoured an alfalfa sprout salad for lunch and then returned to work designing brass-infused energizing socks.

Completing her day’s work, she stopped by the local gym to wile away several hours in the relaxing grip of top-of-line designer-weight machines.

Back at home she dines on a light meal of no nitrate hotdogs, gluten free bread, organic peppers and onions, organic sauerkraut, organic chili, organic cole slaw, organic tomatoes and organic cheese.

After removing her designer wardrobe, designer make-up, and scrubbing and brushing in reverse, Kelly lays down on her unbelievably comfortable air mattress. As she begins to doze off, an audible hiss followed by her sinking into her bed ensues. “No matter,” she says. “With the lawsuit I have against my diet pill manufacturer, the rodeo clown and those tainted alfalfa sprouts I eat everyday, I’m a cinch to get a settlement that will get me enough cash to afford that cloud-floating bed.  

She falls asleep watching her 50 inch HD TV and the soothing sounds of the bountiful items she may partake of and the legal advice she may seek when the half gallon of ice cream she ate everyday for a year causes unsightly bumps in her little black dress. . . “C’mon man,” Kelly says, “its the circle of strife.”

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Back in the Saddle

Hello All!

I thought I would try something different, so I spent the last 3 weeks in the hospital in the ICU. After an additional week of recovery, I decided I didn’t much care for the situation I found myself,  so I came home. Another week of recovery and I’m ready to resume my blog, spewing humor and off the wall commentary on writing and anything else that presents itself as suitable fodder.

It’s great to be back.

Lynn

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No Unicorns, No Unicorns; My Kingdom for an Extreme Lack of Unicorns

The topic of my blog post this week is something I swore I would never do, if for no other reason than I loathe the subject matter. My favorite genres when I write are science fiction, fantasy, and action adventure. When it comes to fantasy I avoid kings, queens, knights, castles, dragons, damsels in distress and unicorns with extreme prejudice!

Well, it looks like the old saying rings true once again, never say never. And I mean never ever say never because you can bet it will return to chomp unmercifully upon your major gluteus muscles, as just happened to me. I made the mistake of asking a female (my newly acquired daughter) her opinion on the theme of my next blog. “Unicorns,” she said. So here is my offering, even though it manifested into a negative presentation. I’m forming a fact-finding blue ribbon commission to study the feasibility  of changing the unicorn name to “Unihorn.” Of course, we could always replace the horn with an ear of corn and keep the name as is. Think about it and just imagine –  we’d finally have something (though a bit ridiculous)  that actually makes sense.

If you’re wondering about “my newly acquired daughter”, that’s fodder for another blog, but the story is quite a sweet one.

Until next week, Happy Trails!

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If a Sleep Deprived Blogger Fell Asleep While Writing a Blog on Sleep Deprivation, Would that Give the Sleeping Blogger an Edge on Blogging While Sleep Deprived?

Have you ever attempted to write a blog post and had absolutely no idea what to say? Hence, the first sentence. Even now I’m killing virtual paper space searching for something coherent to offer my readers. In actuality, I think they call this writer’s block, although I don’t believe that to be the case. I’ve never suffered from the aforementioned writer’s block. I have run through short spells when my mind refuses to focus on the task at hand. In this case, I’m trying to discover what the task may be or else succumb to examining the inside of my eyelids…well, whattaya know, a short ten-minute power nap kinda shakes up the cobwebs in my cranium and allows me to hopefully make this post a bit more meaningful. Of course, as I read over what I have written, it seems to make more sense simply because it’s something we all face at one time or another. I know when I’m working on a novel I try to write my character into a corner, much like a painter painting a floor would paint himself into a corner with no doors or windows through which to flee. I find if I write my character into this type of corner with no visible means of escape, once I pull him from the jaws of certain demise I have used my strongest writing to do so…hey, I may have just snatched this post from the chops of defeat.

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Musings of a Starving Author

When I started writing it was strictly short stories. I’ve never been one for patience, so getting to the end of the story as soon as possible was a plus, if not a necessity. I was certain a novel was out of reach for someone of my temperament. Then little by little the slightest clue of what possibly may be considered the smallest hint of a notion began to appear deep within the recesses of the small toe on my left foot. After awhile…and I mean awhile, I began to actually believe that I might consider penning a novel. In order to make a short story long, I wrote that novel, found a publisher and that’s when it hit me…I can write a novel, but why stop there. So I listened to myself and wrote a second, followed by a third and then a fourth. I now have number five and six in the works, hopefully, to be published in the near future. I thoroughly enjoy writing. It gives me an outlet to express myself and also a place just to have fun.

If you’re an author you know how to play the game. Get a book published, then ask everyone you know and their brother to leave a review, not to mention your entire family, including great aunt Gertrude who you haven’t seen for thirty years if she’s still alive. Then after years of marketing, you begin to receive unsolicited reviews. There’s nothing better than receiving five-star reviews from total strangers. It reinforces that you made the right career choice after all. What could be better? You walk into your bedroom, open your top dresser drawer and remove a very small document. Then it hits you like a ton of bricks as you stare at your last royalty check, realizing if you wrap the rectangular piece of paper around a rock at least you’d have a paper weight. You close your dresser drawer, leave your room, extinguishing the light as you do so, thinking how glad you are that being an author is not your sole source of income. Good night, Stephen King, wherever you are!    

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If a stubborn obstetrician collided with an obstinate statistician, would you consider this situation awkward or just a mild coalition?

Have you ever been in an awkward situation? If your answer is no, then you’re either telling a fib nine miles long or you really were born this morning. Me, I tend to live in an awkward situation. How so, you ask? Being a writer, I purposely send different characters traveling in so many different directions I can’t keep up with the various scenarios. Adding to this is my subconscious tendency to interject small bits of myself into each character I conceive.

Now I’d like to illustrate a real life example of what might be an awkward situation. The youth minister from the church I attend came by to help me out today. I believe we may have seen each other once, but other than that…there is no ‘other than that’; we didn’t know each other from Adam. There were no introductions, no rapport; just “hello, I’m me”,  followed by “hello me, I’m me.” I showed him a few of the ropes, we sat down, began to work, and the awkward situation I feared turned out not to be awkward at all. I guess if you want to avoid situations of an awkward nature…well then, I’m afraid I can’t help you.

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I’ve Written Miles of Line With an Ink Pen and Slashed a Sword Through the Air…For me The Jury’s Still Out

ae32002e643ca97ec9048a3fcebc1a44Don’t ya just love cliché’s? There’s one in particular I’ve heard most of my life, and that is: the pen is mightier than the sword. I know what Edward Bulwer-Lytton was trying to say in 1839, and it certainly rings true, but when I attempt to embrace it, try as I might, I cannot. Each time the saying comes to mind, even though I’m a writer, I envision myself bringing a ball point pen to a sword fight–not a pretty sight. Nuff said.

Since I brought up the subject of being a writer, I’d like to mention the many new words you run across as you write. Along with writing, I’ve always had a good memory. Put the two together, add a little curiosity, and you’ll come up with someone who has a flair for trivia. I often receive compliments on my ability to retain a myriad of information, which translates into a  proficiency for trivia. Now, we all know what trivia is–which means my claim to fame is a head full of useless information.

I hate to say it, but it looks like I’ve written myself into another corner. On the plus side, that’s more work for me.

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