Tag Archives: humor

Well, Here it is Again . . . Another Year Older and Not Much Has Changed

I’ve always had a knack for retaining arbitrary knowledge. Most people would refer to this as trivia. I call it, Useless Information. It can be impressive to pull out an obscure piece of data related to whatever you may be conversing about at the time, but it’s still just Useless Information.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have created for ourselves days that equate to Useless Information. Case in point, Valentine’s Day. We have pulled from time an arbitrary day set aside to purchase flowers, candy, balloons, dinner at fine restaurants and whatever else we can think of to celebrate love. Celebrating the affection we have for our spouse or significant other should be done each day.

The next in line to garner an unorthodox amount of time, is a day of comic relief, April Fool’s Day. I know not anything of its origins and perhaps the reason I have not explored this day further, is I just don’t care. To pull an insignificant prank on someone and then scream, “April Fools!” makes no sense to me, so I’ll leave it where it lies and waste no further brain cells on this ill-conceived day.

To properly finish this blog, I will say, “Happy April Fool’s Day!”

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Read, Repeat

You must surely have heard the saying, “…things that go bump in the night.” Unknown sounds can conjure up a plethora of subjects to write about, especially in the horror genre.

I must admit that horror is not my favorite genre, but there’s always room for a “scare your pants off” type of story. For instance, even though I tend to write science fiction/fantasy and action/adventure, I can easily make space for a little horror in any one of my usual genres.

I think this is something you will find throughout the writing world, even in the most popular books of all those written in the romance genre.

That’s right; even in the lovey-dovey, smooch-my-face, world of romance, there is room for some good old fashion killing courtesy of the beast-next-door.

On the other hand, it doesn’t have to be the beast or anything else next door. It could just as easily be the paranormal being residing in your attic or the monster tick, tagging along on the mutt out back.

In fact, a chunk of horror can follow any genre and rear its ugly head at the most inopportune times.

Did you see what I’ve done? I have taken one of my least favorite type of books and made it one that will not only stand out in any crowd but also be taken by most in a positive light. Happy reading to all you new horror fans!

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Any Bigger and They’d Be Man-Eaters

I rarely find myself with a lack of material to write–not so, many years ago. When I was a young lad, I spent a large portion of my time fishing in the Chickahominy River/Swamp. What I did back then to catch fish would now be labeled as crazy (e.g., walking down the middle of the river, casting to each bank so as not to miss a spot where a fish might be hanging out.)

The prize species to catch was a Chain Pickerel. We always called them Pike, and if I remember correctly, a four-pound specimen could win you a citation.

What many people do not realize is a Pickerel is prized for its white delicious flesh, considered one of the best in the fresh water world of fishing.

I remember days when I would literally have to fight a snake for a particular fishing ground. Occasionally, this confrontation would take place when I was chest deep in water. It didn’t matter to me. I came to fish!  As far as I was concerned, if need be, one of us was going to die to maintain the right to fish and it wasn’t gonna be me.

Those indeed were the days.  During the summer, I spent almost every day reeling in my share of Chain Pickerel. Not only were they delicious, but they also retained the nickname, “Wolf of the Water.” They would hit like a ton of bricks and fight every inch of the way. If you were unfortunate enough to get your hand in its mouth, well, let’s say a bear attack comes to mind.

I’ll never forget, pulling in the wonderful bounty of sweet delectable flesh, attached to a creature who was not afraid to take you on.

Yes, sir, those were the days.       

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The Perfect Way to Jump-start a Vomit

All my years of writing have consisted of science fiction/fantasy, action/adventure, and the like. I can’t help but think what would transpire if I made an attempt at romance.  I believe it would go something like this: 

“Darling, how I love you. I’m sure you love me also, just like you said you loved me.

Press your lips against mine and kiss me. Take me in your arms and hold me, hold me, hold me, kiss me again, never let me go!

This is the truest love I’ve ever known. I’ve never known a love that could be so full of love. I love you so much the sea couldn’t hold my love for you. Kiss me again on the other cheek you fool, for I dare not kiss you on the mouth again, hence that would not be proper.

I must leave but I shall return.  Until then my love, remember I love you, I love you, oh how I love you so.

As I contemplate these words I have written, I decide it would be best if I discontinue my romance writing  and I’m sure you would agree, cause writing this mush, ain’t me!

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Cha-ching, Cha-ching, Cha-ching

I sit here, in my writer’s room, happily tap, tap, tapping away, the icicles of last week having long since melted, when I suddenly remember  the month of February is upon us. In a panic, I ask myself, Do you have your reservations made? . . . What do I mean? What reservations am I talking about? None other than my Valentine’s Day dinner reservations.

Of course, this does not include a box of the finest chocolates and a dozen roses. I reach for my calculator. Dinner for two at a fancy restaurant. You know the kind, where they put you through the dog and pony show of tasting your wine before you purchase it–Like you’re going to send it back. If you are anything like me, you wouldn’t know the difference between a $6 bottle of Sutter Home Merlot or a $100 bottle of whatever.

Just a side note: one wine I do happen to like is Stags Leap. It’s $100 at a restaurant and a little over $30 at your local wine shop. Let’s get back to the cost of Valentine’s Day.

Dinner, $200, roses @ twice the price as normal, $75/doz., fine chocolates, $50+.

This is getting to be more like Christmas. Fortunately, my wife and I would rather opt out of Valentine’s Day, say, “I love you,” everyday and end with a kiss.

That’s my kind of Valentine’s celebration!

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Does Smaller Really Translate to Better?

Not so many years ago, even as recently as the early nineties, land lines connected to home-bound telephones were the norm. When the cell phone made its appearance, they were huge and looked ridiculous.

Since then, these so-called cell phones have morphed into small rectangular devices that appear to be not much thicker than a piece of paper. You can take pictures, watch movies, enjoy concerts, and engage in a plethora of events that are difficult to see.

One of the unique things I have found in these communication devices are the sounds they emit. They use every note or group of notes from “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” to “The Star Spangled Banner” and every song in between.

The ringtones emit the same song depending on your carrier. It’s not unusual to hear the same ringtone on your phone that plays on your friend’s phone and causes you to do a double take when you hear the same on a television phone. Frankly, it’s all a bit much for me.

The phone was created to circumnavigate the extended letter writing process of contacting another, not to check weather, see the latest movie release or anything else but to place a phone call. Now wouldn’t life be much simpler if we used the phone for what it was intended? . . . nuff said, even if I do text a picture or two now and again.

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Whether Here or Weather There Weather’s Whether Everywhere

I’ve lived my entire life in the state of Virginia which in and of itself gives me amble fodder for the novels I write. Thankfully, we are blessed with weather that leans normally toward the tranquil side. Now, that’s not to say we don’t receive a portion of the bad stuff.

We live about ninety miles from the east coast, and from time to time, will have a hurricane pay a visit. These visits (although nice to be considered by the blow hard system) can be harrowing to say the least. What makes these rotating monsters so nice to encounter are the lovely names they are labeled with once they reach Tropical Storm status.

Another unwelcome phenomenon which usually stops by to say, “Hello,” in the spring and summer is our old friend, “the Tornado.” These twisters can wreak havoc in a short amount of time and over a surprisingly large area.

Our other friend visited this past weekend as a sky full of white fluffy stuff that made its way to the ground. Kids love this icy weather for it means no school. I’ll have to admit, it is pretty but I prefer the type of storm where the temperature rises and the roads are clear by the afternoon.

Let us not forget that each form of weather has its good and bad. Seldom, but frequently enough for me, are the winter storms that drop eighteen (and in some isolated areas) up to thirty inches.

I guess you could wrap up the atmospheric conditions in our area by saying, “If you don’t like the weather, wait twenty minutes and it’ll change.”

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