Monthly Archives: January 2017

How Else Could I Sit Here Looking This Goofy If I Weren’t As Goofy As I Look?

2665ac5bf28edf779a626550f2645249_free-vector-search-secretary-secretary-clipart-pictures_361-425You’re sitting in your writer’s room staring at a blank screen. Your assistant asks, “How do you come up with a blog subject to write about? Do you have a topic in mind or just stare at the monitor?”

“Shh,” you say, “you’ll find out soon enough.” If you were to take this whole scenario and place it neatly into a blog bag, what would be your criteria for finishing the aforementioned blog?

Now, since I just asked myself a question, it seems the next step would be to answer…okay, if that’s the way you want it, then an author should always be beholden to his audience.

Since I now have the blog firmly in start mode, I would begin finding ways to interject bits of humor into the text. I feel it’s important to maintain a lighthearted spirit throughout the piece, allowing the reader a respite from the daily grind, if only for a few moments. Secondly, I would include pieces of interesting information confirming this material was accurate. Then, I would make sure the blog was about writing or loosely based on writing. I use this format simply because I’m a writer and I enjoy learning fascinating blurbs of obscure topics, such as the origin of clichés and the like. And lastly, I’d  make the blog as good as it could be. How do you accomplish this, you ask? Well, for me it works to have my best buddy visit for a few hours and type these words of wisdom for her buddy. If you’re wondering what my secret is, I’ll call her the Sooze.

Please consider this my Monday morning smile from me to you!

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Collisions can Bring About Many Things i.e. An Overwhelming Psychotic Episode Pulling You Into the Belief That you Have a Best Selling Novel

stock-vector-cartoon-jail-bird-512010082The phrase, “naked as a jaybird,” kinda rings a bell, don’t ya think? It’s a cliché I’ve heard the better part of my life. This saying is something I’ve never given much thought to, but the other day we happened to collide and I was forced to delve deeper into this decade’s old phrase. I found several explanations, but the one I chose began in the 1920’s penal system. Jailbird was shortened to J-bird. Naked as a J-bird or Jaybird came about as new prisoners were indoctrinated to the ins and outs of their recently acquired living area. They were forced to walk from one end of the prison to the other completely naked, thus “naked as a jaybird.”

Not very exciting, huh? It’s like trivia, (which I love) lots of fun to play, but boil it down and what you end up with is useless information. Now, if you were to take a phrase, such as, “Naked as a Jaybird,” build around it with the precise words, you could end up with a whiz-bang novel.

See what we were able to do? Take a lowly catch phrase and turn it into a best seller. Wow, what an afternoon! I’ll probably be starting my book tour next week, so check my website often for a venue near you.

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Did You Realize Most of the Protein Consumed in the World are Insects?…I like a Big Blubbery Ball of Worms Sprinkled With Roasted Ants and Finished With a Hint of Truffle Oil

americana-country-boy-fishing-in-river-landscape-square-format-image-walt-curleeEver been fishin’? I’m talking about Huckleberry Finn, barefoot, cane pole, dig your own bait, fresh water fishin’. Well, I have, and to say the least, it’s loads of fun. Find a shady place, plop down on your butt, bait your hook, set your float at the right depth, swing everything over the water and let it fall. When your sinker hits the river bottom, dig in and wait for the fight of your life.

Did I mention that you would be obtaining your own bait? In fact, all we need is a small shovel and a tin can with the top partially cut so that you can open and close the container. You merely dig into the soft, loamy soil and when you feel something snakelike and slimy, pull it from the ground. You have now caught your first night crawler and/or earth worm. All you have to do is remove eleven more of these foot long, slimy, tangled creatures, dump then in a can along with some of their native soil, and you’re ready to go.

This kind of reminds me of a novel I released last year, “Terminal Core.” It contained a scene where man-eating, ground-dwelling, worm-like creatures, scarfed up homosapien-like popcorn. I guess fishing is one way to get back at these nasty belly crawlers.

There it goes; my rod’s bent double and starting to pull me toward the water. I’ve got an idea for a great novel, but I ain’t lettin’ this fish get away. Either look for a new novel with my name on it next year or keep an eye on the obits…That’ll tell the story!

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I’m Gonna Write Me One of Them Thar Books. Can’t Be but So Hard, a Word Here, a Word Thar a Period or Two and You Got It…I Reckon

I had a notion in my mind

It couldn’t be a waste of time

A book I would attempt to pen

Publish, get rich, repeat again

I tap, tap, tapped on my computer machine

My first manuscript was about to be seen

By some lucky agent I would certainly find

How hard could it be they’re a dozen a dime

I wrote and rewrote til my draft was perfected

Sure there’s no chance that it was rejected

I concocted a query, a letter unequaled

Correspondence so grand it deserved its own sequel

I awaited response knowing it’d take a while

Though confident my quest would end with a smile

The agent responded in most record time

The answer received was nowhere in line

With my expectations they could not be right

How could anyone reject a story so bright?

A novel so brilliant it outshone the sun

The nerve of this agent to say it was done

I tried once again this time I sent two

Two agents at once, surely one’d see it through

Then replies filtered back, not all at one time

I could not grasp when I saw none sublime

How could they turn superior work down?

Couldn’t they see the best seller they’d found

It doesn’t matter to me the funds they won’t glean

By shunning the best work that I’ve ever seen

I made up my mind to play hard and fast

I’d send multiple queries as long as they’d last

I thought I may run out of agents that way

But I found they make more of them every day

I queried and queried and queried for years

Then verified one thing in common I’d feared

The agency letters all started with charm

By the end they gave way to a sense of alarm

Would I ever find a place for my work?

Or my constant search drive me berserk

At last I found a fantastic small press

That enjoyed my writing and banished my stress

Alas I have a place to call home

A place I feel I shan’t be alone

The next phase I hear will be but a breeze

It’s marketing something I’ll do with great ease

Post Script:

I’m still pushing forward not with great ease

I found out the hard way, marketing’s no breeze

If someone could help me I’m feeling inept

A marketing gang’s bout to beat me to death    

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Words Come and Words Go. Sometimes They Don’t Go Fast Enough and Linger in Our Subconscious Ready to Poke us With a Pointed Stick When We Least Expect It

soundofsilence It seems nowadays the words we use for positive situations have changed drastically. Words such as BAD, WICKED, SICK, BEAST, and KILLER now impart positive connotations to daily situations.

If that weren’t enough, the phrase “100% ROTTEN TOMATOES” qualifies a movie as excellent.   

Over the years, different sayings and phrases have come and gone. The ones so near and dear to our hearts such as FAR OUT, CHUMP, and BOOGIE make us glad that ‘come and gone’ (emphasis on gone) rings true for slang words.

Then, we have the crème de la crème: the words and phrases to end all words and phrases, such as, RIGHT ON, CATS and my favorite and most assuredly yours, GROOVY.  It seems the word that defies time, is always in vogue, and denotes a positive meaning, is COOL. It’s been around since the 1930’s, which for such a word, symbolizes an eon.

I believe I’ll end on a positive note. Pretty COOL, huh?

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