Monthly Archives: January 2017
January 30, 2017 · 8:32 AM
January 23, 2017 · 2:00 PM
Collisions can Bring About Many Things i.e. An Overwhelming Psychotic Episode Pulling You Into the Belief That you Have a Best Selling Novel
The phrase, “naked as a jaybird,” kinda rings a bell, don’t ya think? It’s a cliché I’ve heard the better part of my life. This saying is something I’ve never given much thought to, but the other day we happened to collide and I was forced to delve deeper into this decade’s old phrase. I found several explanations, but the one I chose began in the 1920’s penal system. Jailbird was shortened to J-bird. Naked as a J-bird or Jaybird came about as new prisoners were indoctrinated to the ins and outs of their recently acquired living area. They were forced to walk from one end of the prison to the other completely naked, thus “naked as a jaybird.”
Not very exciting, huh? It’s like trivia, (which I love) lots of fun to play, but boil it down and what you end up with is useless information. Now, if you were to take a phrase, such as, “Naked as a Jaybird,” build around it with the precise words, you could end up with a whiz-bang novel.
See what we were able to do? Take a lowly catch phrase and turn it into a best seller. Wow, what an afternoon! I’ll probably be starting my book tour next week, so check my website often for a venue near you.
January 16, 2017 · 9:39 AM
Did You Realize Most of the Protein Consumed in the World are Insects?…I like a Big Blubbery Ball of Worms Sprinkled With Roasted Ants and Finished With a Hint of Truffle Oil
Ever been fishin’? I’m talking about Huckleberry Finn, barefoot, cane pole, dig your own bait, fresh water fishin’. Well, I have, and to say the least, it’s loads of fun. Find a shady place, plop down on your butt, bait your hook, set your float at the right depth, swing everything over the water and let it fall. When your sinker hits the river bottom, dig in and wait for the fight of your life.
Did I mention that you would be obtaining your own bait? In fact, all we need is a small shovel and a tin can with the top partially cut so that you can open and close the container. You merely dig into the soft, loamy soil and when you feel something snakelike and slimy, pull it from the ground. You have now caught your first night crawler and/or earth worm. All you have to do is remove eleven more of these foot long, slimy, tangled creatures, dump then in a can along with some of their native soil, and you’re ready to go.
This kind of reminds me of a novel I released last year, “Terminal Core.” It contained a scene where man-eating, ground-dwelling, worm-like creatures, scarfed up homosapien-like popcorn. I guess fishing is one way to get back at these nasty belly crawlers.
There it goes; my rod’s bent double and starting to pull me toward the water. I’ve got an idea for a great novel, but I ain’t lettin’ this fish get away. Either look for a new novel with my name on it next year or keep an eye on the obits…That’ll tell the story!
January 9, 2017 · 1:00 PM
I’m Gonna Write Me One of Them Thar Books. Can’t Be but So Hard, a Word Here, a Word Thar a Period or Two and You Got It…I Reckon
I had a notion in my mind
It couldn’t be a waste of time
A book I would attempt to pen
Publish, get rich, repeat again
I tap, tap, tapped on my computer machine
My first manuscript was about to be seen
By some lucky agent I would certainly find
How hard could it be they’re a dozen a dime
I wrote and rewrote til my draft was perfected
Sure there’s no chance that it was rejected
I concocted a query, a letter unequaled
Correspondence so grand it deserved its own sequel
I awaited response knowing it’d take a while
Though confident my quest would end with a smile
The agent responded in most record time
The answer received was nowhere in line
With my expectations they could not be right
How could anyone reject a story so bright?
A novel so brilliant it outshone the sun
The nerve of this agent to say it was done
I tried once again this time I sent two
Two agents at once, surely one’d see it through
Then replies filtered back, not all at one time
I could not grasp when I saw none sublime
How could they turn superior work down?
Couldn’t they see the best seller they’d found
It doesn’t matter to me the funds they won’t glean
By shunning the best work that I’ve ever seen
I made up my mind to play hard and fast
I’d send multiple queries as long as they’d last
I thought I may run out of agents that way
But I found they make more of them every day
I queried and queried and queried for years
Then verified one thing in common I’d feared
The agency letters all started with charm
By the end they gave way to a sense of alarm
Would I ever find a place for my work?
Or my constant search drive me berserk
At last I found a fantastic small press
That enjoyed my writing and banished my stress
Alas I have a place to call home
A place I feel I shan’t be alone
The next phase I hear will be but a breeze
It’s marketing something I’ll do with great ease
I’m still pushing forward not with great ease
I found out the hard way, marketing’s no breeze
If someone could help me I’m feeling inept
A marketing gang’s bout to beat me to death
January 2, 2017 · 9:53 AM