Have you ever had the good fortune to see a pack of toothpicks saunter down a runway modeling the latest fashion? I don’t mean the type of clothes your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill, normal human being would don.
Naw, baby! I’m talkin hats that extend four feet from either side of the head and peak twelve feet above the ground with a monkey balancing on a unicycle and its top.
What really excites me are the sleeveless, spiral dresses that wind their way down from the neck to the ground like some Dr. Seuss creation.
What really, really excites me are the designs that your more forward-thinking (translation “this sucks”) fashion aficionados have contrived. Namely, the provocative ways they have devised to conceal the female boob. One of my favorites being the metal conical cover that brings out that medieval, “here’s your claymore; let’s throw down.”
What really, really, really excites me is when they take that delicate unassuming boob and slather it with chocolate. Now that’s something I want my wife wearing out in public. Throw in a pair of fuzzy 8” pumps and you’re ready for the moon walk…and I mean on the moon.
I don’t know who comes up with this stuff but I guess everybody has to do something. As outlandish as some of these fashions can be, if I turn this concept around and apply it to writing, it seems perfectly natural.
The ridiculous hat suddenly becomes a high-tech helmet in a science fiction novel. The swirly Dr. Seuss type dress is a huge constrictor threatening to put the squeeze on the protagonist in an intense action adventure.
The fuzzy pumps are just one item in the arsenal of a seductress in a steamy romance novel.
And the chocolate boob……well, that’s just wrong.
So the next time you see something that’s so outlandish, so bizarre and just downright unnecessary, stop looking. Your mother didn’t raise you that way.