You Best be Gettin’ a Pencil with an Eraser on Both Ends Before You Start This Mess

Have you ever thought of writing or perhaps have written a book with illustrations? No, you say? Well allow me to impart a small amount of insight (no matter how misguided) to you.

If I haven’t said this before and I know I haven’t, this is a children’s book. First, you write the story portraying in your mind’s eye how the characters will look and act.

Then, you find an out-of-work illustrator. Mine just happened to be my best buddy, the Sooz, aka Suzie. She has commiserated with me on several books usually as a typist. When I found out she was an outstanding drawer of stuff, I commissioned the Sooz to assist me in my endeavor.

I wrote the story, then she began to make preliminary sketches. We finally came to the point to begin marrying the concepts together.

It went something like this: How about this? Okay, but with this. Erase, erase, redraw. Like this? Kinda, just more like this. Erase, erase, redraw. Is this more what you’re looking for? Yes, though I’d make this shorter. Erase, erase, redraw. This? Exactly…well, this part should probably be a tad smaller. Erase, erase, redraw. That’s it!

Now, that was drawing number one. It’s kinda like washing your hair. Lather, rinse, repeat in a never-ending cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. This continues until forever ends.

Then, you take the smallest book you have ever written and attempt to reconcile the generations that have passed that will never have a chance to read this eight page long testament to your writing career.

Okay, I’ll admit I’m a bit melodramatic, but you take an hour’s worth of lather, rinse, repeat or more correctly, erase, erase, redraw and see what analogies you come up with.

It’s been fun, kids, but now I must see what other conundrums I may want to dive into the middle of.

Father’s Day Gift Ideas

Father’s Day is coming soon!

 If your dad is hard to buy for and enjoys a good Sci-fi or fantasy read, try one of my novels. They’re action packed, full of adventure and will keep you on the edge of your seat. They’re available at Amazon and other fine booksellers. Go to my website http://www.lynnsteigleder.com to read a short synopsis on each book and easily place an order.

I Tired ‘o’ Mush. Tonite I Gets Pizza From Pizza Store

I’m contemplating beginning a manuscript (I say beginning because I’m not sure it could ever be finished) on prevalence ridiculously personified.

This would be somewhere between an electronic “how to” manual, The Human Condition and Why…why what, you ask? No rhyme or reason, just why.

Now I will lay out a basic outline of this forth coming monster.

First: The smart phone. Just as my own personal survey, I pay attention to easy statistical situations, for instance, an elevator. The next time you’re ferrying up and down in one of these closed transports, notice how many people have their head down and are sliding their fingers merrily across the face of the phone.

Likewise, you can usually tell those who have a cell phone hanging on their side or in the top of their pocket book not being used.

I know this is not a major scientific study done over a wide group for an extended period of time; however, I determined three out of five persons with a mobile phone (and let’s face it, there aren’t many people without one) are using them at any given time.

I saw two young men walking side by side in a parking lot, both conversing on mobile phones, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Are they talking to each other?”

Now, the demographic for the mobile phone phenomena, be it a smart or a stupid phone (I want you to notice that smart and stupid is interchangeable between phone and operator) knows no boundaries. Kids operate them; seniors operate them and every age in between.

Now, I must admit, I fall into the category of smart phone with stupid operator.

It all comes down to this: we’ve created a monster that’s never going to go away, but aren’t all the nice melodies playing everywhere we go from these electronic creatures a nice by product of an unnecessary evil?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

If’n You Can’t be Good, Then I’m a Com’n Fer Ya. So Remember, Play Nice and Don’t You be No Naughty Boy.

Come on and admit it. I want you to tell me the truth on the question I’m about to ask. Hasn’t there been a character on the cover of a novel that you would secretly like to emulate?

I won’t tell anyone…c’mon…you can trust me…just spit it out.

There, doesn’t that feel better? It doesn’t matter that you want to play a space robot digging through a sandbox on the planet Nogg.

Oops! Guess I let the cat out of the bag on that one.

Boy, the people that read my blog.

Okay, I guess I’ll have to fess up. I’m not a big fan of westerns, but I’ve always admired the rustic gunslinger in the long, black oil skin coat. Top that off with a black Stetson and a pair of Colt 45s and you have me circumnavigating the old west as a bounty hunter.

Why a bounty hunter you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. I wouldn’t want to be too good and I wouldn’t want to be too bad, so the way I figger it, a bounty hunter is somewhere twixin the two.

I would travel through the pages collecting money on skip after skip, taking a bullet now and again but never anything too serious. I reckon I’d be pert near number one as far as the bounty hunter game goes.

Yep, after years of collecting bodies, dead or alive, I’d settle down, buy a ranch, find a good woman and have me a passel of young’ns.

I hate to tell a tale and run, but I hear tell of a sizeable piece of land for sale in the Montana Highlands. You know what they say: That there early bird, he’s the one that jerks that worm outta the ground.

We’ll palaver next week one’st I git back from that big sky country.

Getty up, boy, we gotta be back here in a week!

Go Ahead and Laugh at Yourself; Everyone Else Does

Occasionally, I’ll lighten up and dabble in the genre of humor. My last attempt was a novella about a young married couple with kids out to remodel their home on their own.

Now as you conjure this scenario in your brain, you begin to see that this very action is fraught with danger; however, we know all too well that fools rush in where angels fear to trod.

This being said, some folks failed to get in line when the protective mechanism of fear was handed out. This not only leads to bad behavior and by this I mean things like standing on a golf course during a  thunderstorm holding a lightning rod.

Perhaps checking the tension on your alternator belt while the engine is running (I know someone who lost weight doing this) is not the ideal time to perform this particular maintenance. The person in question didn’t drop a lot of weight, just the end of two fingers.

This can also lead to completely inaccurate statements, such as: cat nap. If you’re not familiar with feline habits, they can sleep up to 22 hours each day…just a bit more than a nap.

I don’t own a cat, but I have had a child and the statement “sleep like a baby” totally befuddles me. Children should sleep closer to the way cats nap and cats…I really don’t care what hours they keep.

And last but not least, why would anyone venture out and spend good money to have what is known as a motivational speaker blow smoke up your shorts?

I guess spending money to feel marginally better as someone spews streams of nothing at you is acceptable in some circles.

See what happens when you venture outside of your genre, heartache, nothing but heartache.

Think I’ll spend the weekend polishing up on my motivational speaking. There’s a depressed family of squirrels in my backyard that keep chewing wires and gas lines off my vehicles. So far they’re into me for over $1500 bucks. I’ve almost got them convinced to jump off the top of the highest oak tree in our yard. At least I’ll get some meat for my trouble.

Did You Say, “Do It Again.”…No!…Anything but That…Will You Ever Learn?

Considering my last four blogs, I see the first three find me whining about the insidious woes of having to write, rewrite, and edit my books over and over again. You would think I was the only author who had such a burden to carry on my poor little shoulders.

Well, maybe I am. I may be the first author in history to have had such a challenge on a novel that was challenging to write, challenging to rewrite, challenging to edit, challenging to rewrite again and challenging to finishing editing. It was also challenging to read it the 30 or so times that I was required to read said novel, ensuring that all was properly done. I should add this was accomplished with the help of a competent publisher/editor.

In my fourth blog, I reveled in the completion of this challenging novel.

Quite a feat, don’t you think? Of course you do, if you have the same high opinion of me as I do…now let’s take a moment to sort out my recent comments. If this was really me and the delusional financial strategy I have simmering in the recess of my brain even possible, I’d have it made. I could buy myself for what I’m worth, sell myself for what I think I’m worth, and realize enough profit to purchase a professional sports collective.

In truth, my last novel was a bear to bring to print as I’m sure you, too, have experienced. But obviously, we’re gluttons for punishment, because you know what we’re going to do?…that’s right…turn around and jump smack dab right into the middle of the fire, again.

So sharpen your pencils and grab a chunk of aloe plant, cause here we go!