Should I Consult an Attorney or Purchase “Lawyer in a Box” for my Computer? Decisions, Decisions. Well, I Reckon I’ll go With The Box.

from-machetes-to-tanks-12-lawyer-ads-that-are-just-outrageousI learned to keep my use of adjectives to a minimum when writing. It’s so easy to add unnecessary descriptive words to a manuscript as you jauntily tap, tap, tap on the key board. Once you finish a page or two and return to read the magnificent sentences you have electronically deposited on your virtual paper, you cringe. It seems as though you have a page littered with “l-y’s” and a few extra words to hold the substance of your writing (namely l-y’s) together.

It’s similar to things we find living day to day in the real world. For instance: There is a commercial broadcast across the airways that claims you can use their product to produce legal documents. I believe they call themselves “Legal Zip Zap” or something of the sort. You are led to believe this service is meant to save you money bypassing the need for a lawyer. If you read the fine print (being as I’m a fine print kinda guy) it will tell you “Legal Zip Zap” is not (and I’m paraphrasing) a substitute for legal advice, from who? That’s right, a lawyer. Unfortunately, the fine print does not appear on the screen long enough to have any chance of reading all of the tiny words. I understand you can receive help from an attorney (notice how I wrote attorney instead of lawyer?…pretty cool, huh?) supplied to you by “Legal Zip Zap.” Now for the fine print and once again I am paraphrasing. These attorneys and/or lawyers must be purchased ahead of time. I guess I’ll begin pausing the television during these commercials so I can get the dope on the small print, me being, as I have said before, a small print kinda guy.

I guess what it comes down to is, avoid an excessive amount of adjectives and stay away from questionable lawyers, all politicians, and the “if it bleeds it leads” media, in that order.

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Dean Martin Said and I Paraphrase: As Long as You Can Lie on the Floor Without Falling off You Haven’t had too Much to Drink.

200_s-1I wrote a blog similar to this several years ago. It happened to cross my mind just now and I believe it bears repeating.

Working a construction job nearly one hundred miles from home, we would stop every morning for breakfast.

There was a stack of small cardboard signs for sale that warned against the dangers of drinking. I was so impressed by the writer’s passionate expression that I memorized these inspirational words:

Starkle, starkle little twink, who the heck you are I think.

I’m not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol.

I’m not drunk like thinkle peep, I’m just a little slort on sheep.

I not know who is me yet, but the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

So pour me one more to fill my cup, cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

Don’t that just clutch ya? Once again it’s been my pleasure to share these words with you. My only regret is I didn’t think of them first. Of course I guess you could say that I was second in line!

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Did You Know Forty Percent of Bottled Water is Actually Tap Water? In Fact, I Tested a Sample of Bottled Against My Home Tap Water and My Home Water Was Superior. I Got Me an Idea $$ Cha Ching $$

imagesMy grandfather built his house in the fifties. He had two men hand dig his well. At about twelve feet in-depth, the volume of water entering the well was too great and they were forced to stop digging. They set the concrete curbs in place and capped it off.

When my mother and father married, my granddad (owned around forty acres) gave my parents a couple of acres to build on. This plot was right beside my grandparent’s so our houses were close together. Once our house was completed, for whatever reason, we tapped into the same well.

That well has never gone dry and still remains just as productive today still supplying two houses.

The down side to having a well that shallow, every now and again, we had to place a ladder into the hole, climb down and remove tree roots. Once I was of age, guess who this task fell to?

I remember the top of the well fractured and fell into the abyss. Death by blunt trauma entered my mind as I would tie a rope around large chunks of concrete and my father and grandfather would pull them to the surface. I had a vested interest in properly tying the rope as I watched the concrete ascend, knowing that if it slipped from the rope, the next contact it made would be my cranium.

I made it through that experience and continued to drink well water for years to come, never giving a thought to actually paying for water. When bottled water became the “thing,” I thought how ridiculous. Now, to make a long story short, I filter my bottle water…how crazy is that? Please remember that was a rhetorical question and no answers will be accepted.

If you want to find out how crazy I can be, then pick up one of my books and that will give you proof positive. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust and wherever it applies, nuts to nuts.

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When Looking at the Written Word Legible Means We Recognize the Letters Themselves; However, Legibility Does not Equal Understanding so I Say to You, “Ugh Ugh Hmm Ugh Hmm Hmm Ugh Hmm Hmm.”

leo-cullum-the-emergence-of-language-cave-woman-we-need-to-talk-caveman-uh-oh-new-yorker-cartoonCommunication is a funny thing. Not funny ha-ha, but funny strange. Once man realized his desire to communicate with his neighbor, I imagine the first conversation went something like this:




“Hmm hmm.”

“Hmm ugh.”

“Hmm ugh hmm.”

When man realized a need for long distance communication, he found that yelling his newly established words was not an effective way. Through his frustration, he learned to beat on various objects. When he discovered hollow logs and the distance the sound would resonate, the problem was solved.

After many, many years and the grand evolution of language, the written word was born.

This allowed messages, information and anything that could travel through the vocal cords, out of the mouth and recorded on parchment to take the show on the road.

Then one day a lonely man, living in a bamboo hut on a desert island had an idea. His only possessions were a pencil, a piece of paper and a bottle of water. His idea was to write for entertainment. After completing his first short story, he found there was a reason to live. He wrote every waking moment, creating what would have been the greatest novels in history. Unfortunately, he had but one sheet of parchment and the constant erasing eroded the sheet so thin it only had one side. The last thing he was able to write on this parchment was a short story of a lonely man with a pencil, a sheet of paper and a bottle of water. Knowing he could not keep this secret from the world, he placed the delicate piece of parchment into the bottle and tossed it into the ocean so the world would have this gift. Due to his excitement, he failed to place the cork into the bottle. He would wile away the rest of his life drinking coconut milk and writing in the sand. It would take another thousand years before writing was used for entertainment. And there you have it, the reason you and I write stories (no matter how ridiculous) for others to hopefully enjoy.

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Problems Arise with Keyboards. Is the Problem Really the Keyboard or the Keyboardee…or is it the Keyboarder? See There, Mention a Keyboard and You Automatically Have Additional Problems.

windowslivewriterhowfastcanyoutypeinwordsperminute-521count-the-fingers-1When you write do you ever notice unusual things that appear within your sentences, such as a mistake that just materializes? Not the usual error, but something that brings to mind the possibility of a possessed hard drive. In most cases the faux pas could not be created by any means known to man. It’s nothing like mistakes that a normal human being would make.

I’m what you would call “keyboard challenged,” so I have a few close friends that help me type from time to time. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have someone who knows what they’re doing. Occasionally, I’ll be looking at the ceiling while having a conversation with my typist, not paying attention to the sound of the keys tapping, when I glance back at the screen, and my words that were meant to prepare for the next paragraph, are the next paragraph. Ah, the woes of writing.

In conclusion, I feel the need to ask a question: If you’re watching television and one of the characters says “I’ve got six words to say to you,” followed by their statement,  do you count on your fingers the amount of words uttered by the actor, or do you trust the actor is correct?

Ah, such problems on one man’s shoulders; however, I shall gladly bear the burden for all those with the same affliction.

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If I Were to Fall into Fall Would the Fall Break My Fall? Likewise, If I Were to Spring into Spring Would the Fall Break My Fall? Too Many Questions, Can’t Think Straight, Too Many, Just Too Many

kids-jumping-in-leaves-7Once again it is upon us. In fact, it comes around every year at this particular time. When asked about it, most people will answer that it is their favorite. When there are four to select from, I guess the one chosen becomes special. How special, you ask? Well, allow me to enlighten you.

Books, both fiction and non-fiction, have been penned about this phenomenon. Somewhat of an opposite spectacle takes place six months prior to…or if you are on more of a subsequent thought pattern, you may take a six month after stance. Which one you take makes no difference to me. I don’t even know why I put such bazaar notions in this blog, although it does take up space. How do you like me now?

Again you ask, what is this that deserves so much attention, has been the subject of numerous types of literature, and inspired the very color palette we use today? The autumnal equinox signifies a change of the seasons, the onset of ragweed allergies, and the clogged snot lockers that ensue. For all you bugophiles and arachnophobiacs, don’t forget the cicadas, katydids and huge red spiders that also lend to the completion of summer. Aside from all the bugaboos, it’s a beautiful time, raking up leaves for your grandkids to jump in.

So take the opportunity to enjoy this gift from God.

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Many Thanks

thank you

thank you

I’ve been writing posts on my WordPress blog…well, I don’t know how long I’ve been writing posts on WordPress, but I do know at the very least several years. As far as how many posts I have written, I’m sure there are hundreds. I do one a week. When I first started, I did at least one and sometimes two each week. I wanted to take a moment to thank my readers and followers for your loyalty. It’s like Christmas each week to send off a post and read the responses. I strive to connect to writing but in a light-hearted, humorous way. So please, accept my heartfelt thanks and know that your attention is much appreciated!

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