I Don’t Wanna Die by the Hand of a Shadow Monster. Why Do I Have to Be Hacked to Pieces? Whine, Whine, Whine. Even Mediocre Help is Hard to Find.

Have you ever felt as though you would like to live vicariously through the characters you create on paper?Dark_knight

I thought about it, thought about it some more, took a nap, and then considered it one last time. What I decided was a resounding, “NO!”

You see, even though a certain amount of “me” flows through the virtual nerve synapsis of my paper bound buddies, it’s not the part that lives in constant danger. And most certainly, contains not one iota of the beast slaughtering, world jumping, plague dodging and all around kill or be killed existence my entourage seems to embrace.

For the adrenaline junkie, life on the edge is not exactly my style. My idea of an exciting excursion, living life to the fullest and enjoying those “will I make it back in one piece” moments, consist of catching an 8 ounce spot in the surf. After that, the sky’s the limit. There’s no telling what I might get into. I’ve even been known to dare hitting the beach without sunscreen. Now, if that doesn’t put the fear in the heart of a brave man, then I’m at a loss at what will.

As I write, I contemplate how much death, dismemberment and mayhem I can drag my sad little creations through; for they are my puppets. “Dance little puppets, dance.” I suppose I should cut’em a little slack for they do the majority of the work.

I did happen to find a highly recommended virtual psychiatrist, but the cost in virtual bucks is a bit over the top. I do know a first year psychologist who just got out of jail and will work for beer.

I can hear it now, all you bleeding heart bookies. You have no idea what this business entails. So don’t judge me just because I want to save a few vb’s. I’ve got a wife and 6 kids I’m grooming for the business and let me tell ya, novel acting lessons ain’t cheap.

That’s it! I can tell already that I may as well be talking to a brick wall. Whine for the downtrodden characters even though they chose their own career. Well I’ve just about had it. Wait till my next book. If you think it’s bad now, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Why don’t you go read some sappy romance novel, cause you won’t find any sissy stuff here.

See ya in the funny papers.

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Sometimes Ya Feel Like a Nut…Sometimes Ya Feel Like an Aluminum Can Smashed by an Amphetamine Crazed Trucker

imagesSomeone needs to write an appreciation guide listing all the wonderful individuals, corporations, and just down-right, goodhearted entrepreneurs who want to improve our lives and, might I add, at little or no cost to the consumer.

Case in point: I cannot believe the plethora of products that cost little or nothing ($19.99 to use a random number) and as a bonus, come with a multitude of gifts totaling boo-coo bucks, absolutely free.

Do you hear what I’m saying? That’s an unbelievable savings that the company or individual in their undying compassion passes on to me. What a bargain!

And then there are the generosity hounds that will double my order (you guessed it) absolutely free, for that same pesky small processing fee. These high quality items are provided for our necessity at such a low cost I cannot fathom how the manufacturers put food on their own tables.

I can only say with a tear in my eye how truly grateful I am.

We mustn’t forget the companies who sell us a product and then knowing we’ll soon run out, send us a new supply each month, not  bothering to tell us…that is, unless we are able to decipher the fine print at the bottom of the screen.

I realize this segue into our next fascinating topic makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, however, it works well with my mind set and after all isn’t that what really matters.

By all accounts it seems that Angus beef is nothing more than a marketing ploy (go figure)  and frogs are not dumb enough to sit in a pot of water and cook even if the temperature is gradually raised. And, they all said my attention span was that of a…What time is it I believe I need to take my medicine…I know it’s here somewhere…There it is… Okay back to the task at hand.

Another thing, that has recently entered the crowded arena of marketing (and for the product we are about  to discuss the marketing plan had to have  been pulled from under a rock) is what can only be perceived as genitals on what used to be one of my favorite candy bars. This particular bar consists of nougat and is covered in peanuts.  Why a set of naughty bits makes a candy bar more desirable can only be a question for the ages. What I do know is when I eat nuts, I’m particular from whence they hale–be it animal, vegetable or mineral. Which raises another question. What type of unmentionable body parts could possibly sprout from a bar of sugar, caramel and goobers. Irregardless I think I’ll pass.

We seem to be headed in a direction I believe neither of us wants to go. So with that I will end this section with these immortal words… “Nuff said.”

Now, since I can think of no segue to rival the last, I deem it best to call it a day and reflect on tonight’s dinner minus the nuts.

As usual, thank you for tuning in and I welcome any complaints. I’ll be sure to let you know when the complaint department is up and running.

Toodles!

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Book Giveaway

Contest Starts Today!

 

I’ve been considering a book giveaway, but not quite sure how to proceed. RisingTideAfter a short prayer it popped into my head and  not just mine, but my wife’s also. I plan to give away six books total.

This WordPress article is publicized on  Twitter and Facebook. The prize will be a copy of my newest release, “Eden’s Wake.” Two books will go to WordPress readers, two books will go to Twitter participants  and two books to Facebook account holders. In order to win the book you must answer a question from the first book in the series, “Rising Tide.”

Question :   What was the name of the character who was murdered in the pool under the waterfall on the island?

Please enter your answers as messages on each of the three sites to keep your information confidential. The first two correct answers from each media site will win a book. I will publish the winner’s name after the close of the contest. Please let me know if you would rather remain anonymous.

The contest will begin July 24, 2015 at midnight EST  and end  August 24, 2015 at 11:59 EST.

Good luck and thank you once again for your support.

Lynn

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Book Give Away

RisingTideI’ve been considering a book give away, but not quite sure how to proceed. After a short prayer it popped into my head and  not just mine, but my wife’s also. I plan to give away six books total.

This WordPress article is publicized on  Twitter and Facebook. The prize will be a copy of my newest release, “Eden’s Wake.” Two books will go to WordPress readers, two books will go to Twitter participants  and two books to Facebook account holders. In order to win the book you must answer a question from the first book in the series, “Rising Tide.”

Question :   What was the name of the character who was murdered in the pool under the waterfall on the island?

Please enter your answers as messages on each of the three sites to keep your information confidential. The first two correct answers from each media site will win a book. I will publish the winner’s name after the close of the contest. Please let me know if you would rather remain anonymous.

The contest will begin July 24, 2015 at midnight  and end  August 24, 2015 at 11:59.

Good luck and thank you once again for your support.

Lynn

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If You Dream Silly, Off The Wall, Nonsensical Dreams, Think About That Mess Before You Decide to Record It

originalWe all have dreams. I’m not one who puts stock that dreams mean anything other than what they are: either what we’ve done that day, seen on TV, or a thought we’ve stowed away in our subconscious that escapes that particular night.

I’ve never thought of turning one into any kind of blog, short story, etc., until now. We all know how real or muddy a dream can be. Well, hold on to your hats, sister, cuz I’m gonna take you for a ride.

First, allow me to set the stage: I’m traveling down a dirt road in my convertible El Camino. Behind me (in tow) is a thirty to forty foot boat. Beside me sits none other than old blue eyes himself, Frank Sinatra. (And less any rumors begin to circulate from this work of fiction; I am neither now nor have ever been a Sinatra fan.)

We’re cruising down the dirt highway and I run into a ditch. Now, when I say a ditch, I actually mean a six-foot deep twelve-foot wide rut that cuts a path straight across the road. I get out of my ride to survey the situation and calculate a solution. Wouldn’t you just know it that ole lazy bones (Frank) refuses to lend a hand in the operation? So as any good and respectable property owner should do, I lift the car in one hand and the boat in the other onto the opposite side of the road.

We continue down our dirt path which turns into a beach. What I assume are vacationers scatter, dive and jump to get out of the way as I motor across the sand. It’s at this point that the car turns into a rubber life raft. We travel under a pier and I find myself transitioning from sand to surf and finally over sea. (Did I mention the raft was flying?)

I look back and Frankie boy has abandoned ship and latched on to one of the pier columns. (Good riddance, I think. You haven’t contributed anything since you’ve been here.)

I continue on enjoying my flight over the ocean. The life raft begins to deflate, I spread my arms and resume my trek, bobbing, weaving, diving and the like. After a while, I decide I should return to shore before my ability to fly ends and I have no option but to ditch into the ocean.

Alas, this is where my capability to sail upon the winds in true human flight, comes to an end. My only solace comes from the picture of ole blue eyes latched ahold of a pier support, soggy, with a terrified look on his face.

You know, on second thought, maybe one should not record such things for others to read. It makes for unnecessary gatherings around the water cooler.

So, when you speak of me, please speak well.

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Insects Make Up a Large Percentage of the World’s Protein Intake…Mmm, Mmm…Make Mine Extra Crispy

I love to cook, and believe it or not, I enjoy eating now and again. food chainThe thing I found odd concerning one of my first works of fiction was a particularly negative review. The complainant’s problem (one of several) was that too many scenes were centered around food.

Now, maybe I’m wrong (I don’t think so) but ever since I was a young’n, any time we had a gathering there was always food. I would never venture to presume and at the same time never hesitate to assume that maybe (and this is pure conjecture) this person doesn’t like people or food. (just saying)

Where was I?…That’s right, food. Generally speaking (and I mean generally to the ninth degree) it seems to me there are two types of diners, those that eat any and everything and those who dine exclusively on bugs and slugs.

In a slightly more specific grouping, we have carnivores, herbivores, and omnivores. If we delve a little deeper into the culinary world of stuff, we find the majority of bipedal diners are omnivores. After these, herbivores and there’s gotta be at least a small percentage of strict carnivores out there.

We can take it a step further and research each one of these categories separately. If we start with the omnivore in its purest form, we will discover a plethora of fresh fruits, vegetables, grains and grass fed meats. This equates to good, wholesome fare for the ones who choose to eat this way.

Now, if you want to take these foods and turn them into pure garbage just add the word convenience. We manage to take what God has created, force it into cans and boxes, inject the protein for increased weight gain and turn healthy fare to poison. A good rule of thumb is the more human beings touch your food after it’s picked or dispatched, the less you’ll want to eat it.

Next, we have your herbivores. Not my choice when sitting down for a daily meal, but certainly acceptable for those who wish to eat this way.

Finally, you have those who eat meat exclusively. Personally, I enjoy vegetables too much to ever take on this lifestyle, but can certainly understand the attraction.

Of course, when writing, especially science fiction your characters can dine on anything from Denevian slug eggs to Zoriak tongue barbeque.

It just makes you wonder; the next time you bite into a familiar favorite, take time to ponder: Is this actually what it says it is or some imported interplanetary processed food stuffs?

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Have the Sense to Come in Out of the Rain Especially When Accompanied By Crackles of White Light and Big Booms

stormy-weatherHow does this grab ya? “It was a dark and stormy night”…Not your kettle of fish? How ‘bout this? “The sky exploded in a blinding light, while thunder shook the window panes to the near point of shattering”…Still not to your liking?

Try this. “The pounding rain soon turned to a river of mud devastating everything in its path”…Better but still not it, huh? Okay. I think this will do it for you. “The gentle rain concluded…yawn…and the clouds parted, allowing the sun to bring forth the first petunias of the year.

That does it for ya? So I gather from this idea exchange, you don’t care for thunderstorms.

Well, suck it up, Peaches, cause this post ain’t for you.

Have you ever noticed the beginning of some novels start with tempestuous weather such as, “It was a dark and stormy night?” It could be the first line sets a sense of foreboding for the entire novel. Or maybe the author just likes thunderstorms.

When you think about it, (and thinking is something I strongly attempt to avoid), what are the pros and cons of the everyday summertime thunderstorms, beginning with the pros.

1) It brings rain to sometimes parched crops.
2) It leaves a wonderful smell after the storm has passed.
3) When accompanied with a cold front, it tends to drop the temperature and humidity.
4) Provides a certain amount of excitement when the blast of thunder is so loud it causes your hairline to recede. (In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m really having to stretch for these.)
5) It waters the part of my lawn that doesn’t wash away.
6) It provides humor watching people escape the downpour and the soaking received by passing vehicles.
7) And last, but certainly not least, the calming effect of the rain bouncing off your roof and the distant thunder lulling you to sleep with Gods’ fireworks.

Now, for the cons.

1) Tornadoes.
2) Micro bursts and down drafts (straight line winds that can cause as much damage as number 1).
3) Flash floods.
4) Lightening: can cause power outages, fires and produce thunder that scares the bejeesus out of children and pets alike. (Not to mention many adults) At its’ absolute worse, lightening can kill trees and sadly enough, people.
5) Just the sight of a rotating storm (aka a mesocyclone) especially with a rotating wall cloud will send fear into the heart of the bravest man.
6) High winds can wreak havoc with outdoor furniture, plants and on a larger scale, most anything that’s not tied down.
7) Trailer park. Nuff said.
8) Increased accidents caused in part by individuals who haven’t the sense of a five pound bag of stupid to slow down.
9) And finally, and I say this with all my heart; please don’t stand under a tree, on a golf course, during a thunderstorm with a lightning rod in your hand.

If you happen to be walking along during a thunderstorm and feel your skin start to tingle, hit the ground immediately. If you’re still struck by lightning…well…sue me.

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