Monthly Archives: August 2015

Those Two Little Words No One Pays Attention to Until You Hear That Phrase, “Didn’t You Read the Fine Print?”

imagesI believe my next project will be a short story on the importance of reading the fine print before purchasing a product or service. Allow me to sight a few examples.

I don’t want to mention any names, but the first is a company that offers legal services that you can purchase much cheaper than consulting with an actual attorney in your area. You can form corporations, LLC’s, or even get your final affairs in order by composing your last will and testament in the comfort of your own home.  The confusing part of this process is the fine print (it can be difficult to read because of size and time so pause your TV when the fine print appears). It says that this legal service does not take the place of an attorney or legal advice.

The same company offers lawyers you can speak with that have your back. The problem here is (as we learn from the fine print) this service comes with a prepaid package. The more I think about it, the more I believe I’ll just find a bartender (someone who passed the bar) in my neck of the woods.

Then, there’s one of my favorites: “results not typical.” Now, you can bet this will always be in that micro world known as “fine print.”

I lost 24 lbs. on Fat Be Gone.” Results not typical.

I tried every diet that came down the pike. I’d lose 10 lbs. then gain back 20 lbs. Once I found Fat Be Gone my life changed. I lost 89 lbs. in just 4 short months. Thanks, Fat Be Gone.” Results not typical.

After having to be lifted from my bed with a fork lift (not to mention the exterior wall removal) for an ingrown toenail, I decided something had to be done. With Fat Be Gone I could eat what I wanted and in 7 short years I’ve lost 468 lbs. and 11 ozs. The doctor says once I drop below 699 lbs. the towing company can pick me up for doctor appointments. Way to go Fat Be Gone! You made a believer out of me.” Results not typical.

And, we mustn’t forget the little pill that sells for a mere $29.95 a bottle that in an independent study vs. placebo, this miraculous drug showed an average weight loss of 4.9 lbs. Absolutely amazing if your weight loss goal is 5lbs or less.

Beware! Many times, also in “fine print” you’ll see these words: in combination with an exercise and diet program. Go figure. So, live your life, have a one-on-one with Jesus every day and read the fine print before you buy!

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Public Service Announcement

The one thing I avoid at all costs is to be a bother in any way to my readers. That being said, my boss requires I post information on my books from time to time. Being as I need this job, I must bow to the wishes of my superior.

Trying to discipline oneself is extremely difficult and should be left to the experts in Human Resources (which does not exist); hence, the preceding message.

Ben’s best friend is killed in an underwater implosion on a dying world. Living to die again, the two men reunite and battle for an ancient artifact, a relic which will ensure this planet’s survival. Ben crosses a threshold. The world he leaves—doomed; the world he enters—reborn. His wife, Eve, and their bumbling charge, Eleazor, follow Ben through the doorway and blindly into the void. “Eden’s Wake” is Book Two in the “Rising Tide” series available in ebook or paperback wherever books are sold.

Investment in this endeavor will garner much appreciation and eliminate the awkward position of self-termination not to mention having to explain my sudden unemployment to my wife.

Thank you.

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Katy-Did-It so the Next Time You Wanna Gnaw off a Bug’s Head Don’ t Drag Me into Your New Culinary Experiences

article-0-0E035C8E00000578-745_634x512We’re nearing mid-August and already I can see small signs of fall emerging. Just last week, our daily highs were in the 60’s and 70’s with lower humidity.

(Catch my new release, “For Whom the Leaves Fall,” for all my autumnal predictions.)

It’s a time of year when critters begin their death march and this final march, many times, includes the walking dead entering my abode.

For instance, the extremely noisy cicadas begin dropping from the sky, and the just as annoying katydid’s go to any length to sneak into my home. (They’re the deep green flying insects that somewhat resemble a grasshopper.)

If you’ve ever had even one of these green monsters in your house, then you know that when they begin sounding off, you would swear an air raid siren had set up shop in your living room.

It’s also the time (those with arachnophobia might want to close your eyes through this section) that these big fat red spiders string their webs everywhere. More than likely sections of web will find their way crossing through your exterior door openings. Ever see someone who has an aversion to our eight legged friends get tangled in a spider web where the owner of said web is as big as your thumb? Believe you me, it’s not a pretty sight.

Then, we have the leftover yellow jackets who seem determined to mine every iota of sugar they can. And where does one mine for sugar in the fall? Why soda cans of course. Ever see someone who has an aversion to stinging insects spend even a short amount of time with one in their mouth? Well, let’s just say this one gets downright ugly.

Have you ever paid attention to a granddaddy long-legs in the spring? It sits high on its long thin legs and small round body. Pay special attention to the same species who makes it through the summer and into fall. Its legs are worn down halfway or more. Its body looks as though it has been sitting on a couch eating hotdogs all summer long. Ugly doesn’t begin to describe this short, fat, out-of-shape member of the arachnid family.

Now, we’ll pick on the bad boy of the insect world in my neck of the woods. This would be the wolf of the foliage, the Praying Mantis. Bugs don’t normally bother me, but a large Praying Mantis I don’t normally touch. One year out of curiosity I put a large Mantis in a jar along with a fat red spider. The Praying Mantis moving at the speed of sound snatched the spider so quickly that the arachnid never had a chance. The Mantis had eaten the spider’s head before I knew what had happened.

Quite interesting indeed.

So instead of sitting inside watching the leaves fall. Check out what type of death and dismemberment may be available for viewing in your area. Until next week….

Toodles.

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Book Giveaway Contest Extension

Due to mistakes I made in the wording announcing my “free book contest” I am extending the contest until September 24, 2015. After reading my pitch I managed to confuse my own self. It was clear as mud and I apologize. What do you expect I’m just a writer.
This WordPress article is publicized on Twitter and Facebook. The prize will be a copy of my new release, “Eden’s Wake.” Two books will go to WordPress readers, two books will go to Twitter participants and two books to Facebook account holders. In order to win the book you must answer a question from the first book in the series, “Rising Tide.”
Question : What was the name of the character who was murdered in the pool under the waterfall on the island?
Please enter your answers as messages on one of the three sites.The first two correct answers from each media site will win a book. I will publish the winner’s name after the close of the contest. Please let me know if you would rather remain anonymous.
The contest will begin July 24, 2015 at midnight EST and end September 24, 2015 at 11:59 EST.
Good luck and thank you once again for your support.
Lynn

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If Napoleon’s Mother Mailed a Letter to Waterloo, I Bet it Wouldn’t Have Cost Fifteen Bucks to Mail and Possibly Never Gotten There

4955406_f260Do you remember the “Back to the Future” series of movies? One of my favorites, I’ll have to say. What if you could travel to the past and live your research for that historical novel you’ve always wanted to write? Perhaps you could take a jaunt into the future and write an amazing factual sci-fi thriller? The possibilities are endless.

You could even place yourself in the annals of history. Let’s say you sneak into Napoleon’s tent during the battle of Waterloo. You dispatch short stuff, take over his command, and accept the sound thrashing from General Wellesley. (This coincidentally is where the name Beef Wellington is derived.)

Return to a point in history just to be defeated, you ask? Why certainly, I say. Why not have your name among the great leaders and unforgettable (except for Napoleon) victors the French can boast…wait a minute. The French never won a war…there was the battle that they fought against themselves…I don’t know, maybe they called it a draw. The last time I checked, if you Google “French Military Victories” you’ll be asked, “do you mean French Military Defeats?” Who knows, but it sure makes great fodder for a blog. So let us continue.

How about that futuristic, factual, sci-fi thriller?

A lot of folks (including me not so long ago) thought the postal service was run by the government. In fact, they are completely funded by the monies they collect from the sale of stamps. Please let me pause at this juncture to mention that I believe the USPS does an outstanding job. Can you imagine having to receive, sort and deliver the billions of pieces that travel through the postal system each day? I realize a portion of this process is automated, but to mail a letter or package one day and have it arrive several days later across the country is mind boggling. My hat is off to you USPS!

Now back to our story.

What if the postal service was taken over by the government? I would imagine total anarchy would soon follow. Packages couldn’t travel between businesses in under a month even if the businesses in question were across the street from each other. A letter would cost $14.99 to mail within its state of origin. No doubt 400 to 500 pieces of mail would make it to their destination (not necessarily the correct destination) each week. All in all, what the average person would term as a stellar success for the well-oiled governmental machine. I guess we’d have to change the genre from science fiction to horror.

Please take a minute and allow me to shudder.

I’m too upset to continue writing, I think I’ll dunk my head in the toilet several times to bring things back into perspective.

Well, here come the nightmares again……..

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I Don’t Wanna Die by the Hand of a Shadow Monster. Why Do I Have to Be Hacked to Pieces? Whine, Whine, Whine. Even Mediocre Help is Hard to Find.

Have you ever felt as though you would like to live vicariously through the characters you create on paper?Dark_knight

I thought about it, thought about it some more, took a nap, and then considered it one last time. What I decided was a resounding, “NO!”

You see, even though a certain amount of “me” flows through the virtual nerve synapsis of my paper bound buddies, it’s not the part that lives in constant danger. And most certainly, contains not one iota of the beast slaughtering, world jumping, plague dodging and all around kill or be killed existence my entourage seems to embrace.

For the adrenaline junkie, life on the edge is not exactly my style. My idea of an exciting excursion, living life to the fullest and enjoying those “will I make it back in one piece” moments, consist of catching an 8 ounce spot in the surf. After that, the sky’s the limit. There’s no telling what I might get into. I’ve even been known to dare hitting the beach without sunscreen. Now, if that doesn’t put the fear in the heart of a brave man, then I’m at a loss at what will.

As I write, I contemplate how much death, dismemberment and mayhem I can drag my sad little creations through; for they are my puppets. “Dance little puppets, dance.” I suppose I should cut’em a little slack for they do the majority of the work.

I did happen to find a highly recommended virtual psychiatrist, but the cost in virtual bucks is a bit over the top. I do know a first year psychologist who just got out of jail and will work for beer.

I can hear it now, all you bleeding heart bookies. You have no idea what this business entails. So don’t judge me just because I want to save a few vb’s. I’ve got a wife and 6 kids I’m grooming for the business and let me tell ya, novel acting lessons ain’t cheap.

That’s it! I can tell already that I may as well be talking to a brick wall. Whine for the downtrodden characters even though they chose their own career. Well I’ve just about had it. Wait till my next book. If you think it’s bad now, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Why don’t you go read some sappy romance novel, cause you won’t find any sissy stuff here.

See ya in the funny papers.

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