Monthly Archives: October 2016
The Theory of Relative Normality Must not be Confused with the Normality Relative Theory or the Other One from that Einstein Guy
I find when I write, there are times the way I phrase a sentence seems to be correct, then turns out unacceptable when read a second time.
For example: I’d eat lobster every day if I could afford to.
The proper way: If I could afford lobster, I’d eat it every day.
I catch a lot of these mistakes when doing edits and rewrites. I call it, “backward dyslexia in reverse.”
In order to understand this phenomenon, we must first realize that everyone is different. At the same time, we must not forget the similarities we find in each another. These situations are based on normality and since what we are referring to is normal, it becomes relative. Since relative can mean anything from tooth picks to steamships, we find ourselves confused, disoriented and just plain out of sorts.
So watch those sentence structures and you’ll be that much closer to a published author…relatively speaking.
Should I Consult an Attorney or Purchase “Lawyer in a Box” for my Computer? Decisions, Decisions. Well, I Reckon I’ll go With The Box.
I learned to keep my use of adjectives to a minimum when writing. It’s so easy to add unnecessary descriptive words to a manuscript as you jauntily tap, tap, tap on the key board. Once you finish a page or two and return to read the magnificent sentences you have electronically deposited on your virtual paper, you cringe. It seems as though you have a page littered with “l-y’s” and a few extra words to hold the substance of your writing (namely l-y’s) together.
It’s similar to things we find living day to day in the real world. For instance: There is a commercial broadcast across the airways that claims you can use their product to produce legal documents. I believe they call themselves “Legal Zip Zap” or something of the sort. You are led to believe this service is meant to save you money bypassing the need for a lawyer. If you read the fine print (being as I’m a fine print kinda guy) it will tell you “Legal Zip Zap” is not (and I’m paraphrasing) a substitute for legal advice, from who? That’s right, a lawyer. Unfortunately, the fine print does not appear on the screen long enough to have any chance of reading all of the tiny words. I understand you can receive help from an attorney (notice how I wrote attorney instead of lawyer?…pretty cool, huh?) supplied to you by “Legal Zip Zap.” Now for the fine print and once again I am paraphrasing. These attorneys and/or lawyers must be purchased ahead of time. I guess I’ll begin pausing the television during these commercials so I can get the dope on the small print, me being, as I have said before, a small print kinda guy.
I guess what it comes down to is, avoid an excessive amount of adjectives and stay away from questionable lawyers, all politicians, and the “if it bleeds it leads” media, in that order.
Dean Martin Said and I Paraphrase: As Long as You Can Lie on the Floor Without Falling off You Haven’t had too Much to Drink.
I wrote a blog similar to this several years ago. It happened to cross my mind just now and I believe it bears repeating.
Working a construction job nearly one hundred miles from home, we would stop every morning for breakfast.
There was a stack of small cardboard signs for sale that warned against the dangers of drinking. I was so impressed by the writer’s passionate expression that I memorized these inspirational words:
Starkle, starkle little twink, who the heck you are I think.
I’m not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol.
I’m not drunk like thinkle peep, I’m just a little slort on sheep.
I not know who is me yet, but the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So pour me one more to fill my cup, cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
Don’t that just clutch ya? Once again it’s been my pleasure to share these words with you. My only regret is I didn’t think of them first. Of course I guess you could say that I was second in line!
Did You Know Forty Percent of Bottled Water is Actually Tap Water? In Fact, I Tested a Sample of Bottled Against My Home Tap Water and My Home Water Was Superior. I Got Me an Idea $$ Cha Ching $$
My grandfather built his house in the fifties. He had two men hand dig his well. At about twelve feet in-depth, the volume of water entering the well was too great and they were forced to stop digging. They set the concrete curbs in place and capped it off.
When my mother and father married, my granddad (owned around forty acres) gave my parents a couple of acres to build on. This plot was right beside my grandparent’s so our houses were close together. Once our house was completed, for whatever reason, we tapped into the same well.
That well has never gone dry and still remains just as productive today still supplying two houses.
The down side to having a well that shallow, every now and again, we had to place a ladder into the hole, climb down and remove tree roots. Once I was of age, guess who this task fell to?
I remember the top of the well fractured and fell into the abyss. Death by blunt trauma entered my mind as I would tie a rope around large chunks of concrete and my father and grandfather would pull them to the surface. I had a vested interest in properly tying the rope as I watched the concrete ascend, knowing that if it slipped from the rope, the next contact it made would be my cranium.
I made it through that experience and continued to drink well water for years to come, never giving a thought to actually paying for water. When bottled water became the “thing,” I thought how ridiculous. Now, to make a long story short, I filter my bottle water…how crazy is that? Please remember that was a rhetorical question and no answers will be accepted.
If you want to find out how crazy I can be, then pick up one of my books and that will give you proof positive. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust and wherever it applies, nuts to nuts.