Tag Archives: words
If Useless Information was at One Time Useful and Used to Accomplish Useful Things Then Who Decided it Was Useless?
With as many words as I spew out each day, occasionally I’ll wax poetic and my poor brain will begin to wander. Where it wanders is anybody’s guess.
On this particular day, it decided that a trip laden with useless information was its destination.
Let us delve deeper into the abyss, past the cobwebs and detour sign, which is my cranium, and gather the aforementioned information.
Here comes one now, it says, “lawyers banned in all fifty states from advertising. The ban was lifted in 1977.”… Too much, too much, this must not be!
Now we are in a place where the cobwebs are at their thickest. There’s another one entwined within the webs. “Why do some motocross drivers beat their bike with a riding crop? …Beating inanimate object beyond ludicrous, must go!
Look! There’s one lying in the muck and mire of my sad empty brain cavity. Everyone knows the Wicked Witch of the East died due to a drop in the housing market, but did you know her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West had a severe… and I mean a severe, twice personified body odor problem? She hung around with monkeys and never took a bath, being as water led to dissolution problems… Movie debut in 1939. On a quiet night you can still smell bubbling b.o.
I guess when you really get down to it, there’s no accounting for taste… or for that matter smell.
How ya Doin? Fine. How you Doin? Fine. You Sure you Okay? Well, I’ve Been Better. Yeah, I’ve Been Better, Too. Actually, I’m Feeling Pretty Rotten. Yeah, I’m Gonna Lie Down.
Looking back on my blog, it was obvious my previous post was centered around words, and why not? What’s better than words when you’re a writer?
Words take many forms. I particularly like the, “Hi”’s, “How ya doin”’s and the responses they elicit. When it comes to greeting another your choices are somewhat limited: “Hi, Hello, Salutations, Hey, Greetings, Yo, What’s up, How ya doin,” and the like.
When you respond to one of these greetings, especially if it contains a question, the sky is the limit. You must be careful when asking someone, how they are doing; you might get more than you bargained for. Answers you may encounter: “Fine, Okay, Good, Not so good,” and everything from a runny nose to the plague, just to name a few.
My favorite responses have to be those from the good ol boy belt of which I am a member: “Fair, Fair to middlin, Tolerable, Seen better days, Been worse, If I got any better I couldn’t stand myself and Just as well as if I had good sense.”
It all boils down to words. In and of themselves they can be most anything…but I guess that’s up to each one of us.
If I Were a Word and You Were a Word Would We Fall in Love and Forever Be Separated by an Evil Semicolon Bent on Word Domination?
Being an author, it goes without saying I use a lot of words. In fact, without words it would be hard to call myself an author. To take it a little further, there would be no need to consider myself an author. To take it a lot further, there’s no way I could be writing this blog, and civilization as we know it would more than likely collapse. But I digress.
Words, in and of themselves, are interesting little creatures; however, we tend to get a little carried away in their usage. For whatever reason, we have a hard time allowing one or two words to describe a subject. For instance, simile, metaphor, analogy, and euphemism are four words used to describe very similar things.
We have the words laceration, contusion, and abrasion. Do we really need three more words like cut, bruise, and scrape to describe the same conditions?
If we use the word “stuff”, we find ourselves with an avalanche of similar words at our disposal. Now I’ll be the first to admit that multiple words saying the same thing can be useful, but enough is enough.
No wonder American English is so hard for someone of a different culture to assimilate, especially when you figure in words spelled the same but pronounced differently. I’ll leave you with a few examples: minute, read, wind, lead, live, wound, tear, bow, close, and excuse. You get the idea, and with that last word, if you use it correctly, that’s my excuse to end this post!
Why? All I want to know is why? No one seems to know and no one seems to care, but as a writer, I have a very small pool with which to draw from.
I’m talking about words. So many that we use are worthless or at best, lazy, and we’re the culprits that allow them to get away with this travesty of literary injustice.
For instance: The letter “X.” The majority of words that begin with the letter “X” are pronounced as if they began with a “Z,” such as Zylophone, Zanadu and Zanthophyll. The only word that needs an “X” is x-ray, so let’s do the prudent thing and change it to Z-ray. Problem solved and a 25 word alphabet introduced.
Let’s investigate a little thing called phonics. Phonics is spelling the word as it is pronounced. Hmm…we seem to have a problem before we get started. Shouldn’t phonics be spelled fonix? I think we’ll stop our fonix studies right there.
Why do we spell some words in such a ridiculous fashion? It’s like we’re going around our elbow to get to our thumb. Case in point, why do we need a “B” on the end of thumb? Or for that matter, words that end in “EAU,” we can save two letters by just using an “O.”
Why is the word “minute” meaning sixty seconds on a clock spelled the same as “minute” meaning something very small?
How can I read it if I’ve already read it?
If we’ve got the letter “F” to make an “F” sound, then why do we need “PH”?
Could we exchange the suffix “IGHT” for “ITE” such as lite, nite, frite and the like.
Do we really need a “L” in could and would?
These are just a few examples of the dilemma I face each day. Can someone please pull me from this endless pit of mindless letters lest I sink further into the depths of literary despair?
Alas, exhaustion overtakes my very soul. Please allow these concepts to abide within your heart for a wayward letter is a terrible thing to waste.
I am seriously considering forming a blue ribbon fact finding commission to study the feasibility and the possible removal from the English language of the word if.
Now keep those feet planted firmly on the ground and hear me out. This is not the time for a knee-jerk reaction.
We’ll start off by using the word in a sentence
“If a bullfrog had wings he wouldn’t bump his butt when he jumped.”
Now as we seek to determine the validity of the statement, we find that it has no legitimate reason for existing. Then why does it? Because of the word if.
Now if the statement read: “Bullfrogs have no wings, therefore they bump their butt when they jump.” This makes perfect sense. When you add the word if, it makes the sentence pure conjecture and therefore not relevant to anything.
This formula can be applied to all the uses of if: “If I had just not left my phone at home.” “If I had just filled my gas tank up.” “If only my legs were longer I could reach the top shelf.” “If only I could quit relying on the word if.”
Take some time to think about this scenario I have suggested. Soon a petition will be circulated to every man, woman, and child in the United States including Alaska, Hawaii, and all of the U.S. territories. I urge you to vote yes and abolish this useless and confusing declaration.
While we’re on the subject of ridding the world of useless words, phrases, and other non-essential niceties, let’s examine the phrase: “If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.”
I can blow this one out of the water. If you’ll notice, and I’m sure you have, you can now bid on items as advertised on T.V. for extremely reasonable prices. Things like a fifty-five inch flat screen T.V. for only $9.95, or a 2013 B.M.W. for 700 greenbacks. And then there’s my favorite: A Scottish castle for only $29.95 U.S. Too good to be true? ‘Nuff said.
I will now pose two questions that we will research in depth in the near future.
Question number one: Why are words that begin with an “X” pronounced like they begin with a “Z”?
Question number two: What is this attraction between tornadoe
s and trailer parks?
If you’re an author and happen to live in a trailer park, maybe you could shed some light on this all-important question in your next manuscript.
Until next time, if all goes well…
See? It just doesn’t work.
Post script: Also, pay no attention to any instances where I may have used the word if in this document. They are, of course, totally irrelevant, and once the petition is signed, will no longer appear in this or any other blog.