Tag Archives: Weight loss

The End

When it comes to ending your novel do you know how it will conclude before you begin?CONSUMER-PROTECTION-LAW Is it because you have carefully outlined the book from start to finish?

Perhaps you outline sections of the book so that the ending will not be apparent until you’ve begun the last section?

Or maybe you fly by the seat of your pants, not knowing what will happen from the time you start until the time you end? (This one works best for me)

On a side note: Why did novels, back in the day, actually end with, “the end?” Did the reader not know they had reached the end of the book when they ran out of words?

All this talk about ending brings several thoughts to mind; the first being–things end.

The second being; if you wait long enough, everything ends.

Now, this is going to seem like an extremely odd segue into today’s topic, but that’s only because it is. And, if you view the topic in the context that everything has an ending, then this entire post will make perfect sense…I think.

Why do commercials portray us as inept and then become our best friends by the time the commercial ends? (Notice how I unexpectedly slid “end” into that sentence)

Case in point:

Watch someone slice a tomato before they purchase the advertised knife. Tomato guts splatter everywhere. Once the manufacturer of said knife convinces you that the purchase of this miracle product will cure all your slicing ills, you will be able to saw through anything (cinder blocks, engine blocks, etc.) and still slice tomatoes so thin, they only have one side.

Example number two:

What does America have an obsession with? Answer: Weight loss. We can shake it away, we can purchase pre-packaged food to eliminate our flab or we can ingest various supplements that guarantee results. Unfortunately, some supplements can cause heart attacks, liver and kidney problems–all in the name of weight loss. Then again, we can slide in a DVD and exercise like a maniac on crack.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that your average American consumer is not as stupid as they would like to think we thought that they thought we thought they thought we were…Once again, I think.

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Typically, I Strive for Mediocrity Unless the Mediocrity I’m Striving for Is too Average

scalesAs I look back through the pieces I have written, I find numerous short stories, several novellas and a number of novels. I tend to write within certain genres including fantasy/science-fiction, action/adventure or a combination of anyone of the four.

It also bears saying that just because I wrote’em, doesn’t mean you can read’em. Even though I have had some success being published, by no means do I want to imply a string of New York Times bestsellers–for that matter, a string of anything. As you well know, it’s tough out there.

My writing as an individual is exclusive, yet typical, to me. So, therefore, I would have to conclude…… Typical…… Typical…….Typical…….Why is that word stuck in my head?…….Nothing of late that would bring upon an obsession with that…… Typical…….Typical….Wait a minute, it was a commercial.

Please, humor me for just a moment. These things get stuck in my craw and unless I’m able to vent I’m fearful my head may explode.

The national craze, (which has probably been the national craze for decades) weight loss, is inundating television. There are many different options. The plan where you count what you eat each day and once you reach that magic number you must discontinue any and all ingestion of food until the next day. They use celebrities and average Joe’s to depict their weight loss–30 pounds, 40 pounds 80 pounds and even 100 pounds plus. What they keep tucked away in the bottom corner of your screen are three little words, “Results not typical”.

Then there are other companies that ship neatly packaged meals that you’re supposed to eat for an entire month. They, also, use celebrities along with average Joe’s. I have seen weight loss claims beginning in the 20’s and topping out at well over 200 pounds. I also still see, “Results not typical”.

Now it seems to me that we should be able to hear from the people that experienced results that would be deemed typical.

The interview would go something like this:

(Lively music playing in the background) subject dances in front of camera wearing a designer moo moo. “My name as Luna Clod Roundhouse and I lost 2 ½ pounds in just six months on “The Systematic Food Chunkin Experience.” It has changed my life. I’m no longer self-conscious when I go to the beach. People can’t keep their eyes off me in my bikini and I can finally wear that swanky little black dress. Made it myself. Just goes to show you what you can do with a little know-how and 8 yards of material.” (Luna begins dance and shout as the camera fades to black.)
Or how about this:

(Man standing sideways with thumb stuck into the front of his pants showing the astounding 1/8th inch he has dropped from his waist. Somber piano music plays as he begins his testimonial)

I’m Hank and I once weighed 649 pounds. (He begins to tear up and his voice becomes shaky) but now thanks to the “Agnes J. Cheekwaister Butt Loss Bonanza Plan, I’m down to a sleek 632 pounds in just a year and a half. “Thank you, Agnes J. Cheekwaister!” (Camera fades as Hank begins to sob.)

Please don’t take this as a slam toward overweight people. I recently dropped close to 50 myself and my heart goes out to all who are trying. My only advice is don’t give up.

I, also, feel that it’s very important to…….Ridiculous…….Ridiculous…….Ridiculous…….Oh no, what’s coming now……… Ridiculous…….Ridiculous…….See ya next week………….

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Have I Got a Deal for You!

Dollar Sign in Space - Illustration

(Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

Have you ever paid attention, I mean close attention, to all the folks in the world who want to give you free stuff? If not free, then it’s at such a reduced price as to make it seem free.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Allow me to step back and start at the beginning. Many items, gadgets, cleaning supplies and just about anything else is offered to us in droves on television commercials and its big brother, the infomercial.

For instance, to enjoy all of the world’s niceties, we want to live a long and fruitful life. To do so, one might start exercising. You can get a complete program, including diet suggestions, work-out regiments and anything else you’ll need to become a lean, mean attractive machine.

One of these commercials would go something like this:

“…How much would you expect to pay for a weight-loss product like this? $300? $200? $100? No! You can get this complete program for four easy payments of $19.95. And if you order within the next ten minutes, we will knock off two payments and add the butt-a-lyzer, an $80 value absolutely free.”

“Hold the phones! Order within the next thirty seconds and we’ll knock off one more payment. So you get the complete workout program, including 174 CDs, a 900 page workout booklet, a 600 page diet and recipe book with thousands of recipes designed to drop pounds almost instantly, and the world famous butt-a-lyzer, the latest in home workout equipment. It works your traps, lats, pecs, quads, hams, arms, ankles, teeth, toes, ears, eyes, nose, tongue and hair.”

“A $3,964 value, and it can be yours for only $19.95. Order within the next nanosecond and upgrade to free-shipping guaranteed to be at your doorstep in 12-16 weeks.”

“Wow! What a bargain!”

Next, we have (and this includes a plethora of different categories), what I like to call “double ‘em up, big boy.” And it goes something like this:

“How many times has this happened to you? Your husband starts a bonfire in the middle of the kitchen in order to cook chili for the big game. What a mess! And then there’s that youngster of yours. He rents a paint-spraying rig and paints every house in the neighborhood black with white trim and purple shutters. Or that nagging cloths thief who breaks into your house and absconds with all of your garments, only to return them later, stained with blood, grass and red wine.”

“What will you do?”

“Introducing Kleenitol, the industrial strength cleaner that will clean it all! Mortar off of bricks, grease off that filthy car engine, and even more delicate jobs, like filthy hands. Our product can also sterilize cuts, scrapes, lacerations, abrasions, contusions, and any other medical situation you may encounter, all for the low price of $29.95.”

“But wait! That’s not all!”

“We’re going to double that offer, and all you have to do is pay additional shipping and handling. And if you order now, we’ll include a 1988 Mercury Marque!”

See what I mean? Doesn’t it give you that warm fuzzy feeling way down deep in your loins that total strangers care so much for your needs?

Or could it be that’s smoke they’re blowing up your shorts?

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