Tag Archives: Romance

Read, Repeat

You must surely have heard the saying, “…things that go bump in the night.” Unknown sounds can conjure up a plethora of subjects to write about, especially in the horror genre.

I must admit that horror is not my favorite genre, but there’s always room for a “scare your pants off” type of story. For instance, even though I tend to write science fiction/fantasy and action/adventure, I can easily make space for a little horror in any one of my usual genres.

I think this is something you will find throughout the writing world, even in the most popular books of all those written in the romance genre.

That’s right; even in the lovey-dovey, smooch-my-face, world of romance, there is room for some good old fashion killing courtesy of the beast-next-door.

On the other hand, it doesn’t have to be the beast or anything else next door. It could just as easily be the paranormal being residing in your attic or the monster tick, tagging along on the mutt out back.

In fact, a chunk of horror can follow any genre and rear its ugly head at the most inopportune times.

Did you see what I’ve done? I have taken one of my least favorite type of books and made it one that will not only stand out in any crowd but also be taken by most in a positive light. Happy reading to all you new horror fans!

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Good and Bad Things Happen to Non-Existent People

There are so many wonderful things in the world of writing: creating a world like no other, and building characters never seen before. I find myself so involved in the lives of some of these individuals, it becomes astounding even to me. How does one become so engrossed and care for a person that only exists in his mind?

On the other hand, you allow the good to die and the bad to live, all for the sake the story line. The worlds you create are totally up to you. They can be exactly as you see outside your window or as different as you allow your imagination to limit them. Your world maybe technology advanced, on the cutting edge of every new development, or so primordial that its inhabitants put the “primi” in primitive. The fact is, you are in charge of everything you write, whether it be science fiction or romance. Give your imagination free rein,and it will serve you well.

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The Perfect Way to Jump-start a Vomit

All my years of writing have consisted of science fiction/fantasy, action/adventure, and the like. I can’t help but think what would transpire if I made an attempt at romance.  I believe it would go something like this: 

“Darling, how I love you. I’m sure you love me also, just like you said you loved me.

Press your lips against mine and kiss me. Take me in your arms and hold me, hold me, hold me, kiss me again, never let me go!

This is the truest love I’ve ever known. I’ve never known a love that could be so full of love. I love you so much the sea couldn’t hold my love for you. Kiss me again on the other cheek you fool, for I dare not kiss you on the mouth again, hence that would not be proper.

I must leave but I shall return.  Until then my love, remember I love you, I love you, oh how I love you so.

As I contemplate these words I have written, I decide it would be best if I discontinue my romance writing  and I’m sure you would agree, cause writing this mush, ain’t me!

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If you Have to Land on Cheese, Pick a Nice Hard Parmesan or Romano; a Ripe Brie or Crumbled Feta…Not So Good

Your name is Vladimir Bloodsucker. You reside in the Western section of Romania in a quaint little villa known as Transylvania.  vampireAside from your regular occupation as the town mortician and kindergarten teacher, you write humorous romance novels as a sideline. You have this great idea for a novel, but you are suffering from a form of writer’s block. It’s not that you can’t find the words; it’s placing them so you remain true to your genre as well as the book’s subject matter.

Let’s just face facts. If you weren’t so hung up writing in one genre with the ridiculous… No, ludicrous ideas you manufacture for your books, we wouldn’t have all these problems. I’m the only literary agent in this podunk town and I have two clients; you and what’s his name. And ole what’s his name can’t seem to write about anything but vampires. Every month, I get another vampire manuscript. I’ve had it up to here (holding hand above head) with vampires. I send him a dozen rejections at a time and tell him to make sure these last for the upcoming year.

Starting next year the rejections go out wrapped around wooden stakes.

Now, where was I….Oh yeah, Vlad and his next best-selling flop. Vladimir’s idea for his next novel (and don’t forget he writes in the humorous romance genre) is the astronauts perspective of landing on a moon made of cheese.

Here is the actual first chapter I received from Vladimir last week.

“Cheese Wheel to Mission Control. Cheese Wheel to Mission Control. Come in, Mission Control, over,”  Artichoke said. (Beep)

“This is Mission Control, Cheese Wheel. Good morning, Artichoke.” (Beep)

“Good morning, Mission Control,” Artichoke replied, “are we a go for landing?” (Beep)

“That’s an affirmative. We have determined the surface to be similar to that of a mid-range limburger.” (Beep)

“Roger that, Mission Control, initiating thirty second burn to begin decent.” (Beep)

“You’re looking good, Cheese Wheel, ten seconds to touchdown.” (Beep)

“On my mark,” Artichoke said. “5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 and down.” (Beep)

“Good job, Cheese Wheel, ready to exit LEM.” (Beep)

“Thanks, Mission Control; it’s a bit wobbly down here and smells like armpit.” (Beep)

“You knew going in, that limburger is aged with the same bacteria that causes human body odor,” Mission Control said. “So suck it up, suit up and get outside.” (Beep)

“Roger, Mission Control, I snuck my wife aboard so as soon as I finish romancing and telling jokes I’ll get right to it, Cheese Wheel out.” (Beep)

I couldn’t read anymore, my lunch was working its way upward and I found myself reaching for my bottle of Xanax.

Now you see what I have to deal with being the only literary agent with two clients, one with a vampire fetish and the other just an idiot. And the real shame of it being no other prospects. Most agents are inundated with manuscripts…Me, well, you know my story.

Actually, I’m suddenly finding that things are looking up as long as I mix my Xanax with a half bottle of wine. Who knows? Maybe I’ll start writing and represent myself. It couldn’t possibly get any worse…or could it?

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Care, Even If It Doesn’t Exist, Offer It Something to Eat, and Care Some More

We all need food, correct? You know what satisfies your tastes whether you desire a full meal or are just in the mood to nosh.

Now, let me ask you a very important question, “If you’re a writer do you afford your characters the same luxury?”

Think about it. Does your protagonist and comrades get three squares a day? Or, are they forced to live off tree bark and grubs because you forgot to set them down to a meager meal?plain jane and beefcake

Oh, you’re all for the actions scenes, the violence, the mayhem, but give them a little snack to provide an ounce of energy to perform up to your expectations, and it’s Katie-bar-the-door. Far be it from anyone to interfere with keeping your antagonist and his cronies fat and sassy. They dine on the fineness cuts of meat, pulling pints of grog, and just generally acting unacceptably.

Then on a world far, far away a beautiful lady hooks up with Mr. Beefcake while Ms. Plain Jane (you know the homely Cinderella type) cleans sewers and lives off pre-chewed apple cores. She spends her down time swooning over Mr. Beefcake, until one day Miss Beautiful Lady is run over by a trolley just as Ms. Plain Jane is crawling out of the sewer. Beefcake and Plain Jane’s eyes meet. They kiss, marry that afternoon, and live happily ever after. (On this particular world, ever after means two and a half weeks) Miss Beautiful Lady recovers from her injuries and is relegated to clipping toenails for a penny a piece in a town called Schwump.

Does anyone remember the poor, downtrodden survivors of the Calistian Finger Fungus of 2953? I believe it was in the Ajax Nebula on a small planet called Plim. The inhabitants were unable to use their finger guns to hunt imaginary prey due to the fungus attacking their index fingers. (Which everyone knows is the most intricate part of the X7300 finger assault pistol) During this disaster one unfortunate Plimosian lost his fingernail trying to beat his gun barrel back into shape. I don’t recall the author of this particular book, but he should be beaten severely about the helmet and breastplate, for leaving his characters in such a pickle.

Now I know this seems a bit severe, but if we as authors do not take proper care of our creations, then who?The home for imaginary characters, retired, or otherwise cannot handle another thought.

So man up authors, take your responsibilities seriously, or lay down that pen.

There is another way. Send $19 USD each month (care of my website http://www.lynnsteigleder.com) and I will send you a mind’s eye picture of a character you will be helping.

Please don’t let another nonexistent character slip into nonexistence, especially when they didn’t ask to be brought into nonexistence in the first place.

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