Do you have a garden? How about bird feeders? Do you like to watch the various types of avian swoop down to enjoy the bounty of nuts and seeds you have placed on high for their nourishment, only to have their smorgasbord pilfered by the scourge of the forest, the thief on high, the pine top marauder, the villainous vermin, the tree rat of record… I’m speaking of none other than the common gray squirrel?
The truth be known I enjoy looking at colorful birds as much as the next guy, but I figure they can get their own food. When it comes to squirrels, all you’re doing is ringing the dinner bell when you fill those bird feeders… although I do take exception when the furry little critters commence to gnawing on things other than nuts and seeds.
First, let me explain that I haven’t hunted for many years. I don’t mind the sport. In fact, I feel it is necessary for a healthy ecosystem. I enjoy the exotic cuts of meat I receive from friends that do hunt; it’s just not in my nature to sit out in the freezing cold at the crack of dawn waiting to blast Bambi to kingdom come.
However, it is in my nature to stand out on the beach, in the middle of January, at the crack of dawn, with the wind blowing twenty knots, trying to catch a striped bass.
I don’t know why, but this is the best segue I could come up with to get back to the squirrel thing. So hold on tight cause here goes:
I used to enjoy watching them frolic in the trees, gathering food for the winter. Then one day my pickup truck had an unusually strong smell of gasoline. When all was said and done, the cute little fur balls had done over three hundred dollars’ worth of damage. I was a bit perturbed, but also perplexed as to why they would chew on a fuel line. Eventually, I just let it slide.
Sometime later my pickup truck began to smell of gasoline once again; the odor of which was unusually strong. You guessed it, three hundred plus green backs. This time I swore vengeance, but I eventually cooled off and let it slide. Wow! What a nice guy.
Soon after this we attempted to hook up our trailer to our car. Low and behold our psychotic tree rats had given up petroleum fumes for hydrocarbons. In other words, they chewed up the plastic electrical connection housing on my trailer. I don’t know what I did this time, but I eventually let it slide.
Just got the van back… six hundred dollars’ worth of damage to the wiring system.
You’ve heard the old adage, “fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me.” I guess, fool me any more than that and I’m just stupid. At any rate, I’m now armed and the carnage has begun. I’ll keep you apprised of the body count.
On a lighter note my wife found that something was gnawing on our hot peppers. Upon closer inspection we discovered not one, but two lime green caterpillars approximately five inches long and the diameter of an adult thumb.
I hope my petroleum junkie squirrels and my pepper grubbing anaconda caterpillars don’t get together. I’ll end up with fuzzy green cold blooded tree climbing mammals that drink my gas, eat the neighbors and demand to sleep in between me and my wife during the winter.
Post script: Ya gotta be careful when it comes to this stuff, cause if you take time to think about it (and I hope you do) you never know what might happen. If you don’t want to take my word for it, then just ask the 400 pound crawfish that lives under my house.
Hmm, sounds like my next science fiction novel…Time to get busy.