The Holidays are Over for Another Year

Well, the holidays are over for another year, least wise speaking of the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years’ timetable.

Thoughts turn a bit melancholy over the loss of the festive holidays, especially Christmas. If we delve a bit deeper into these feelings, we will locate multiple sighs of relief or regret . . . and I mean to the power of ten. These laments come on the heels of money spent and the reckonings of another year before said money will be spent again.

Massive amounts of food, savory, sweet and otherwise, will be missed, along with the massive amount of calories that will be saved. In case, you failed to notice, it is time for the weight-loss commercials to begin.

Another thing, post-January 1^st is the ever prevalent New Year’s resolution. These will run the gambit from quitting smoking, alcohol and over-eating, to running, lifting weights and filing your third toenail the second Tuesday of each month containing an “R.”

Being an author, the worst injustice I could possibly impose is literally leaving a character hanging precariously over an abyss for several days. This occurring while I join in the festivities, giving little thought to the life I have chosen to discard.

Pardon me while I shove my head into a closet for the shame of it all.

On a lighter note, I hope your week back to work has been enjoyable or at least tolerable. Remember, if you did not have a job at which to return . . . you would be unemployed and could not have gone in debt to finance your Christmas gifts. See, you win all the way around. 

May God bless you and yours throughout this New Year!    

The Year is New, But Where Do It All Go?

Well, it’s the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty. Hopefully, we’ll have 20/20 vision going in and throughout the next twelve months, although we will have to endure familiar oddities.

Weight loss commercials are a common sight on modern television; however, you know it’s the first of the year when you start seeing them tenfold. I never knew there were so many ways to lose several ounces to several hundred pounds. Of course, if you read the fine print you will see something on the order of, “average loss around eight pounds.” And, if you see an individual with a greater loss of weight, you again will read a disclaimer such as, “do not expect these results,” or “results not typical.”

What else shows us that the dawn of a new year has arrived? None other than Valentine’s candy on one aisle of your local Walmart with discounted Christmas candy on the other aisle. While Easter goodies stacked on a pallet in the back of the store are just chomping at the bit to make an appearance.

And we mustn’t forget the out with the old and in with the new that will emanate from every corner of the sales spectrum. This includes cars, appliances, boats, furniture and everything you can imagine right down to the candy corn for next Halloween. Which reminds me that Trick-or-Treat sweets will be filling our stores before long .

I Resolve Not to Resolve Any Resolute Revolutionary Resolutions

Here we find ourselves firmly entrenched in the holiday season. First there was Thanksgiving… 4 lbs. Then Christmas… another 4 lbs. and now we face the New Year, which should add another 4 lbs. plus a resolution to lose 12 lbs.

If you were approached by one of the large publishing houses to write a book on New Year’s resolutions, what would you do?

I certainly can’t speak for you, but my first inclination would be to run away screaming. Not being one to shy away from a challenge, I would curtail my flight and begin my journey into the realm of New Year’s resolutions.

First off, we must begin this search for statistical information to give our book credence. Sadly, your chances of achieving your goal are all but doomed before you start. Resolutions have a 92% failure rate.

Common attempts to better one’s self include:
1. Lose Weight
2. Quit Smoking
3. Spend Less
4. Stay Fit
5. Get Organized
6. If you master any of these, then this list is more than enough!

By the first week of January 50% of those who dare to delve into the realm of resolutions have already bitten the dust. Actually bite the dust is a bit anticlimactic. A mouth full of dirt, with head buried halfway into the ground is more on the order of what really takes place.

I feel as though I have dug into the merciless pit of despair and human failure. The depression brought about by such an unnecessary fiasco prevents me from clawing any further into this sea of broken dreams.

So there you have it. Better yourself if you must, although I would strongly advise against it unless you are blessed with an unusually strong supply of will power.

What else can I say? If you decide to plunge into this dark menagerie of failure and confusion, please obtain a reputable psychiatrist, antidepressants, tranquilizers, and it never hurts to have quick access to your local suicide hot line.

I do so hope that I’ve not deterred you from adopting a plan that will improve your situation during the upcoming year. If so, that was not my intention and I apologize. I merely wish to supply you with the facts so that you can make your own informed decisions.

If you will excuse me I believe my mental health doctor is taking holiday calls and I have yet to finish my lunch (a Xanax sandwich).
Have a wonderful New Year and we’ll talk next week.

Nighty, night.