Tag Archives: marketing

Keep it Stupid Simple so Halfwits Like I is Able to Understood. Thank You

new-blogger-fontI’ve said this before; however, I think it bears saying again…on second thought, as important as I believe this statement to be, I will save it until the end of this post.

I have found when writing a blog all forms of what one would consider “normal writing” fly out the window never to be seen again.

Blogs require (in my opinion) something to keep the reader captivated. The subject matter doesn’t matter unless the matter is mind-numbingly dull. Now, that matters.

As I write my blogs, I like to stay within the boundaries of writing. Since I consider writing to have no boundaries, I have free reign or free range like the chicken of the same name.

When you look into “free range” chicken, you learn that a chicken can be labeled “free range” as long as it has access from its coup for 30 minutes or less each day. Since this is totally unacceptable for my definition of “free range,” we will stick with free reign.

You may structure your blog post around serious subject matter or important current events. You may base your post around historical or political incidents. You may choose to pen your post around a pillar of nonsense (which I find works well for me) since it allows you to maintain a certain level of humor along with any pinch of truth you may want to include.

Once you draw your readers in, you may do with them what you will. If you can pull them into your web, then you have accomplished what every writer strives to do.

So, continue to write your blog and find out what works best for you and your audience…oh, and that revelation I was going divulge at the end of the post stemming from the first two sentences…

I need a bit more time to mull this ultimate disclosure over just to make sure you are ready to receive it. I’m not being condescending; just very concerned for your safety.

Until then, take good care and have a very Merry Christmas.

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My Kingdom For a Marketer. My Kingdom For a Marketer. Oh, Loathe The Nasty Bugger, My Kingdom For a Marketer.

writing-man-geeze485x244I have written numerous short stories, a weekly blog and am in the latter stages of publishing my third novel. Even with this small amount of success, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the writing process.

If I were to break the process down as I understand it (taking the word understand with a grain of salt) then happy is the day I actually begin a new book. This sense of elation stays with me each morning as I arise just chomping at the bit to get started.

Once the book is complete, I move to what I call a continuity edit. That’s where I make sure the first half of the book jives with the second half of the book. For instance, if Hank marries Ramona and has a boy named Lucius in Chapter Three, then Hank dies in Chapter Fourteen, we can’t have Hank and Ramona returning from vacation with a daughter, Lucy, in Chapter Thirty Two. I realize the last sentence was three times longer than it should have been; however, you must remember this is my blog and I do what I want to do. Anyway, you get the jest of the continuity edit (which if I haven’t mentioned, I don’t particularly care for).

Next comes one of my lesser favorite parts of writing, even more so than the continuity edit, and that’s the line by line edit. I believe I would rather have someone set my head on fire then edit a book. Nuff said.

Then comes my absolute nemesis. The period of my life where I turn from Dr. Jekyll into the hideous Mr. Hyde and this little labor of love we refer to as “marketing” begins. With the mere mention of that accursed word (marketing) I feel my blood pressure rising and a wretched anger building from the bowels of my soul.

So with that, I shall drop an adequate number of Valium and make for my happy place.

So long until next week when we will explore…I ain’t figured it out yet, but I’ll throw something together, hopefully for your enjoyment.

The Valium is starting to kick in, so I’m off to my happ……

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Fools Rush in Where Angels Fear to Trod, and I Ain’t Kidding


I wrote a book not knowing why or who,

It’s something I thought I’d never do.

After sixty thousand words and twelve months of time

I finally had a manuscript that I could call mine.

I jumped up and down with joy in my heart,

I did it! I did it! I began to impart.

I’m finally an author, a writer you see

and then someone shook a wise finger at me.

Slow down, young one, what you’ve done is quite good,

but allow me to tell you the vile truth if you would.

Penning your book is ten percent of the mix

but we mustn’t stop there til we’re deep in the fix.

Edit, yes edit, I say it again,

edit’s the next thing you’ll tackle in vain.

Do it like this without nary a change,

once you’re complete you’ll do it again.

You’ll do it and do it, no reason or rhyme

and after you’ve done it… do it one more time.

That noun don’t go here, that verb don’t go there

in fact they’re forbidden to go anywhere.

The only grammar allowed in this book

is dangling participles and regurgitated looks.

I wrote and I wrote till my body was sore

and then I was told, “I must do a bit more.”

The edits aren’t right beginning page one

and the further I check these rewrites ain’t done.

You’ll have to redo

the preface to start;

if the book’s incorrect where it begins

we’ll redo this book from beginning to end.

After three short years the rewrites were done,

my publisher’s happy it’s now time for fun.

The day of release is coming up quick;

it requires a knife the excitements so thick.

And now that the book sets high on a shelf,

available online and everywhere else

I noticed I’ve sold one copy to myself.

And then the wise finger that stopped me before,

said hold on young author there’s still so much more.

Before you sell thousands of books you must learn

there’s a word you’ll engrain in your head like a worm.

Marketing is what you must tackle next,

it’s not really hard it just takes a knack.

This knack will cause you to pull out your hair

only after it’s gray, but it shan’t stop there.

Multiple computers will meet untimely demise

as you sift through the wreckage of ideas unrealized.

How do I bring my book before those

who would purchase and read it leaving stellar reviews.

Then suddenly it came to me with a bound

the answer I knew I had finally found.

Yes that was it, it would work and not fall

I would take over a bookstore with weapons and all.

Then folks would buy, they’d be happy to you see,

for the encouragement needed is a bullet and me.

I would sell and sell and sell even more

for the buyers would gladly empty the store.

As I sit in my cell doing my time

I learn that my book is doing real fine.

Because of my antics the interest piqued

and I sold millions of copies in a couple of weeks.

I’m writing a sequel that I hope will be done

by the time I exit this institution.

The food ain’t too bad and the hours are good,

I’m getting more than enough sleep than I should.

The writing is fun and the editing I’ll do,

but when the marketing comes up I’m leaving that to you!

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Sometimes you Pay, Sometimes you Don’t. Either Way Is Acceptable i.e. It’s All Good!

Reading a novel  that pulls you in;  bringing with it intense enjoyment… $15.95

Sharing said novel with friends, gladly propagating the joy… free

Writing a novel, publishing, marketing and selling one copy…Priceless


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Just Cause It Ain’t Gonna Happen, Don’t Mean It Ain’t Gonna Happen. So, Dream On (Like Me) Cause It Ain’t Gonna Happen…Maybe

peter-c-vey-man-stands-in-front-of-a-books-stand-selling-books-there-is-a-sign-that-r-cartoonOne thing I can’t seem to shake is the feeling something has gone amiss in the deep recesses in the world of book sales.

I know how difficult it can be to rack up a single purchase, after the exorbitant amount of blood, sweat, and tears spent on writing, publishing and marketing (with special emphasis on the never ending dark abyss of marketing). And, please, allow me to remind you that we’re not just talking about a stack of papers loaded with words. We’re discussing your baby. Months, if not years, of work that is tossed into a bin with other dreams that come to market at the rate of a thousand or more each day.

This brings to light my ongoing conundrum. While continually creating new works (not just novels, but short stories, blogs and the like) my concentration tends to split not unlike Jekyll and Hyde.

I long to remain consistently devoted to my current work; however, at times my thoughts drift as to how my published books are selling. There’s nothing wrong with this in the short term. Each author needs to know how their books are doing and adjust their marketing strategies accordingly.

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes valuable energy is wasted daydreaming about a string of best-selling novels. This of course includes a box office smash complete with sequels and a media marketing extravaganza.

I’m not a pessimist but bounce back and forth between a realist and even as an optimist from time to time. I guess this helps feed my delusions of grandeur.

Oh well, I guess there’s one in every crowd, so just call me King and slap me silly.

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How Does One Measure Success? By Their First Novel Sold or Their Last Novel Turned Blockbuster at the Box office…Either Works for Me

I have to wonder what some of the classic writers thought of their chances to become mega stars, especially twentieth century authors.jaws

Hemmingway was able to see his work on the big screen. On the other hand, J.R. R. Tolkien lived well into the twentieth century, but never saw one of his masterpieces on the silver screen. This was due in part to the technology required to produce such a film. It didn’t exist until just before the millennium and was necessary to do the stories justice. Peter Benchley, although not one of the great classic writers, brought us Jaws. I can’t think of any other movie that changed an entire generation’s perception of swimming that still exists today. J.K. Rowling, again, although not a classic author, became a billionaire off the series of Harry Potter books. Stephen King has had more novels turned into motion pictures and television series than I care to count.

I know I’m not the only author who would like to enjoy this amount of success. I would be happy enjoying any amount of success. As you and I have found, writing and publishing can be a daunting task. We have also found that enticing someone to read your book makes the writing and publishing aspect seem like lying in a hammock sucking on a mint julep.

As I lean back in my chair and close my eyes, the wavy lines of a dream sequence send me to a mahogany covered library. This is where I pen my best sellers and decide whether or not to accept this year’s Nobel Prize for literature.

“Mr. French,” I say, to my gentleman’s gentleman, “how many times must I turn down these measly prize offers?”

“I cannot say, sir; you know your immense popularity eclipses the sun.”

I sigh heavily, “The burden I have placed upon myself is indeed hard to bear, but for my adoring public I shall go on.”

“And by the by, sir,” Mr. French says, “your latest movie series has just topped 34 bazillion dollars.”

“See to it that pittance goes to as many countries as possible to end world hunger, and don’t forget the hundreds of wells we’re drilling around the world.”

“Right away, sir.”

“And French, see what’s holding up that—”

My tiny office chair slips, depositing me on the floor, breaking me from my reverie.  I’ve gotta get that chair fixed. Picking myself off the ground along with the chair, I sit back down and decide whether to work on my latest novel or delve into the pit of marketing.

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Door Number 1, Number 2, Number 3, or You Can Trade for What’s Behind the Curtain. C’mon, Let’s Fake a Deal

Well, it’s June 2015, and so far, in the past four days it’s been sunny (these are daytime temperatures), near ninety degrees, overcast and in the low sixties.gamesshow host Today, it’s raining and cool once again. By the weekend, it’s headed for the nineties. If you don’t like the weather around here; give it twenty minutes and maybe it’ll be more to your liking.

I’m writing my blog today to get a break from the marketing work I’ve been doing for what seems like time in memorial. It’s only been a couple of weeks but any hint of sensationalism I can add to my writing always seems appropriate…hmm that gives me a thought.

Thoughts can be dangerous (especially when laid at my feet); so I think I’ll pick this one up and run.

I will make a series of observations along with random multiple choice questions that you will answer at home. When done you may send your completed papers for grading c/o this email address, along with a SASE and a check made out to cash for $24.50 USD.

We all know that marketing is the scourge of the writing experience.

Would you rather:

1.) Edit and market an eight page sixteen word children’s book?

2.) Slide down a mile long razor blade into a pool of alcohol?


1.) Edit and market a tri-fold pamphlet on toenail care?

2.) Play whack-a-mole, you being the mole, pushing your noggin in and out of your septic tank as four men with baseball bats attempt to bash your brains out?


1.) Edit and market a toothpick instruction manual?

2.) Receive a triple root canal with no anesthesia, using an innovative technique that performs the procedure with bobbie-pins through your left ear canal?


And finally:

1.)  Edit and market a matchbook cover with no verbiage or symbols?

2.) Repeat this quiz three consecutive days?


Return this quiz to me with complete payment and I will return your finished grade post haste.

All grades are final as determined by me. Absolutely, no refunds. Transcripts provided for an additional fee. No worms were hurt in the production of this document. Any resemblance to person’s alive, dead, dying or eating worms is totally coincidental and protected by the laws of the literary legal association of Lynn…all rights reserved.

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