Tag Archives: Literary agent

If you Have to Land on Cheese, Pick a Nice Hard Parmesan or Romano; a Ripe Brie or Crumbled Feta…Not So Good

Your name is Vladimir Bloodsucker. You reside in the Western section of Romania in a quaint little villa known as Transylvania.  vampireAside from your regular occupation as the town mortician and kindergarten teacher, you write humorous romance novels as a sideline. You have this great idea for a novel, but you are suffering from a form of writer’s block. It’s not that you can’t find the words; it’s placing them so you remain true to your genre as well as the book’s subject matter.

Let’s just face facts. If you weren’t so hung up writing in one genre with the ridiculous… No, ludicrous ideas you manufacture for your books, we wouldn’t have all these problems. I’m the only literary agent in this podunk town and I have two clients; you and what’s his name. And ole what’s his name can’t seem to write about anything but vampires. Every month, I get another vampire manuscript. I’ve had it up to here (holding hand above head) with vampires. I send him a dozen rejections at a time and tell him to make sure these last for the upcoming year.

Starting next year the rejections go out wrapped around wooden stakes.

Now, where was I….Oh yeah, Vlad and his next best-selling flop. Vladimir’s idea for his next novel (and don’t forget he writes in the humorous romance genre) is the astronauts perspective of landing on a moon made of cheese.

Here is the actual first chapter I received from Vladimir last week.

“Cheese Wheel to Mission Control. Cheese Wheel to Mission Control. Come in, Mission Control, over,”  Artichoke said. (Beep)

“This is Mission Control, Cheese Wheel. Good morning, Artichoke.” (Beep)

“Good morning, Mission Control,” Artichoke replied, “are we a go for landing?” (Beep)

“That’s an affirmative. We have determined the surface to be similar to that of a mid-range limburger.” (Beep)

“Roger that, Mission Control, initiating thirty second burn to begin decent.” (Beep)

“You’re looking good, Cheese Wheel, ten seconds to touchdown.” (Beep)

“On my mark,” Artichoke said. “5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 and down.” (Beep)

“Good job, Cheese Wheel, ready to exit LEM.” (Beep)

“Thanks, Mission Control; it’s a bit wobbly down here and smells like armpit.” (Beep)

“You knew going in, that limburger is aged with the same bacteria that causes human body odor,” Mission Control said. “So suck it up, suit up and get outside.” (Beep)

“Roger, Mission Control, I snuck my wife aboard so as soon as I finish romancing and telling jokes I’ll get right to it, Cheese Wheel out.” (Beep)

I couldn’t read anymore, my lunch was working its way upward and I found myself reaching for my bottle of Xanax.

Now you see what I have to deal with being the only literary agent with two clients, one with a vampire fetish and the other just an idiot. And the real shame of it being no other prospects. Most agents are inundated with manuscripts…Me, well, you know my story.

Actually, I’m suddenly finding that things are looking up as long as I mix my Xanax with a half bottle of wine. Who knows? Maybe I’ll start writing and represent myself. It couldn’t possibly get any worse…or could it?

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I Give up, You figure it out.

Moon and Space Ship

(Photo credit: Je.T.)

 Consider star travel:  In order to do this, we must think in terms of light years. If light travels at the rate of 186,000 miles per second, then the distance you could achieve in the span of a year is what I would call, “a mighty fur piece.”  I bring this to your attention to highlight the difficulties and similarities for the writer between light travel and the mind numbingly, but necessary, job of obtaining a literary agent.

 What would one have to do in order to travel to the stars? Quite simply, develop a rocket motor that would hurl a spacecraft as fast as the beam from a flashlight travels. First problem solved.

 What do you do when searching for a literary agent? First you must determine the genre of your writing and then match it with the correct agent. First problem solved, maybe.

 Next obstacle on your way to the stars: Traveling from sun to sun tends to take large amounts of time. Your next hurdle, develop a cryogenic suspension system to sustain astronauts over long distances. Second problem in the bag.

 Next problem for agent search:  Learn to write query letter and synopsis. Second problem solved, maybe.

 For our next hitch on the way to Alpha Centaur a. Have enough food to maintain astronauts over extended periods of time. Develop hydroponic garden system so adequate varieties and amounts of food can be grown.

 Still searching for agent: Once you have completed query, synopsis, sample chapters (different agents have different requirements) email to selected agent and prepare to wait up to three months.

 I am now standing on an alien world getting ready to sit down to my first hydroponically grown meal.

 In my search for an agent… still waiting.

 Of course I write this with tongue firmly planted in cheek. A literary agent has an insurmountable task with thousands of manuscripts to read and authors to represent, being only a part of their responsibility.  I applaud the work you do.

 So the next time you look up in the sky, count the stars and let me know what you come up with, then I can see if your count is correct.

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