Tag Archives: Frivolous lawsuits

It Seems to Me That Stuff Plays Such a Large Part of Our Stuff That the Stuff We Value Gets Stuffed Away Where No Stuff Should Be Stuffed, Rendering It Useless Stuff

I’ve been toying with a story idea I’d like to run past you. It would parallel real life and go something like this:

Kelly awoke startled by her bed-blaster alarm clock. She slid out of her Sleep Letter Bed and onto her new Lumber Bum apple-wood, pre-finished, laminated floor. Kelly washed her face with Spring Clean, brushed her teeth with Tarter Boom and combed her hair with Spray and Fill.

“There you are,” she said, placing her hand on her newly purchased make-up device. She sprayed an even coat of base with her air brush, followed by Lusty Eye mascara, Double Dip lipstick and a last minute dollop of Pimple Prep.

She slipped into her designer little black dress, designer 6” black heels and headed for the kitchen designed by Likea. She popped four Waste Away Fat Busting tablets, downed a quarter sized Weight Be Gone bran muffin, then headed to work.

Kelly arrived at work sporting her new BNW with no-hands parking technology. She worked until midday designing designer socks with open-toe technology. She devoured an alfalfa sprout salad for lunch and then returned to work designing brass-infused energizing socks.

Completing her day’s work, she stopped by the local gym to wile away several hours in the relaxing grip of top-of-line designer-weight machines.

Back at home she dines on a light meal of no nitrate hotdogs, gluten free bread, organic peppers and onions, organic sauerkraut, organic chili, organic cole slaw, organic tomatoes and organic cheese.

After removing her designer wardrobe, designer make-up, and scrubbing and brushing in reverse, Kelly lays down on her unbelievably comfortable air mattress. As she begins to doze off, an audible hiss followed by her sinking into her bed ensues. “No matter,” she says. “With the lawsuit I have against my diet pill manufacturer, the rodeo clown and those tainted alfalfa sprouts I eat everyday, I’m a cinch to get a settlement that will get me enough cash to afford that cloud-floating bed.  

She falls asleep watching her 50 inch HD TV and the soothing sounds of the bountiful items she may partake of and the legal advice she may seek when the half gallon of ice cream she ate everyday for a year causes unsightly bumps in her little black dress. . . “C’mon man,” Kelly says, “its the circle of strife.”

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Somebody’s Gonna Pay for This Hangnail and it Ain’t Gonna be Me!

Each week I pause from my usual writing and take time to pen a blog. ambulance chaserIt’s a nice respite and gives me a chance to vent in a humorous way. It’s nearly impossible not to repeat subjects, if for no other reason than the volume of blogs I write.

Occasionally, a repetitive subject will slip through the cracks and make its way into another blog, usually and thankfully in a different format.

And then again, some folks make repetition easy. They spread their fodder thick, leaving a trail of fuel for anyone to pick up and run with.

So is the case with this week’s post.

As with most professions, the majority of participants are upstanding in their fields and deal with their clientele in a respectable and ethical manner.

And then, just when I thought it was safe to enter society again, the meat wagon chasers are back out in force. I think what gets me is there is obviously no shame, in their eyes, as to which direction their vocation happens to take them. As long as that rectangular piece of paper with the picture of a dead president is involved, most anything is fair game.

Did you realize that now there is the potential for cancer if you overuse talcum powder? Who knew that this innocent box of slick, white, comfort could cause such calamity? I’m certainly not an expert on such matters, but I did wear a constant coat of the fine powder on my bottom as a baby and my son, wanting to follow in the footsteps of his father, did the same.

During the summer months, after a day’s work and a shower, what’s better than a few shakes of the plastic bottle; not to mention the chafing relief to be had from this miracle powder?

What’s the next deadly product heading down the pike?  Denture cream.

It seems as though an overuse of denture cream has been linked to neurological problems due to the zinc used in some products… I don’t know. Never had a lot of experience with such items, but I find myself having to ask a question.

Do we have to sue for everything?

Most products, whether prescription or over-the-counter, carry with them warnings. I guess I’ll answer my own question. Greed, just plain greed. It all goes back to the dead presidents I mentioned earlier. Of course, the gut-wagon feeders attempting to drum up business don’t help the overall situation.

What I really want to know is how did, Hamilton and Franklin get mixed in with a club almost exclusively meant for deceased commanders and chiefs? Although I’ll have to admit that Franklin has become one of my favorite pieces of paper.
Once again I’m gonna wrap this thing up. I’ll start by admitting that I’m loaded with more faults than I could possibly count, given a lifetime to do so.

But (never start a sentence with but), I work for one who has no equal and a retirement plan that’s out of this world.

Did I mention he has lots of openings?

And (never start a sentence with and), boy do I sleep good at night.

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