Through many years of therapy, meetings with counselors, psychologists, psychiatrist, and then finally psychics, and palm readers with no alleviations in my symptoms; inundated with numerous mind altering drugs designed to treat everything from depression to dyslexia and still no relief; I bring my situation to you, my faithful reader. My problems, I will spell out in order of importance, there being three major malfunctions within my brain.
Number one: What makes a door nail so much deader than anything else? What about a window nail? After exhaustive years of research I have learned no more than a door nail (being a large decorative nail) used in years long past was driven in the wood and clinched on the other side, effectively making the nail unable to be reused, “or dead” … but even this explanation cannot be proven.
Number two: Happy as a clam. Now, pray tell, how could a clam possibly have any reason to experience the internal feeling of joy? It sits on the bottom of the ocean buried in mud waiting for some infinitesimally small creature to drift by giving the clam a meal, once it filters a few thousand of these minute organisms, from the surrounding sea water. The only clams that I have actually seen were sitting on ice in a fish market, cut into strips and
deep-fried, or waiting to be plunged into a pot of boiling water–not the best formula for a happy life. Some fisherman I met in an old seafaring novel tried to tell me that the saying, “happy as a clam,” came from the appearance of a clam shell when it was open, i.e., it looked like it was smiling…I don’t know?
Number three: If you start on the east coast and begin to travel in an eastward direction, you will first encounter the near east. If you continue your journey, you will find yourself in the Middle East. Continue on and you’ll wind up in the Far-East… now’s where the problem begins. Once you pass the Far-East, you will eventually end up back in North America, probably in California. So, I just traveled twenty-four thousand miles east to end up in the west.
This brings to mind (even in my drug induced condition) that when you’re working on your manuscript you should take the time to erase silly notions from your head (such as door nails, smiling clams, and irrational travel plans) that figure into your writing…it just wouldn’t look good.
I just had another disturbing thought…If a reanimated door nail traveled east, meeting up with a frowning clam at the coast, they then traveled together through the east, ending up on the west coast of North America. After traveling a short distance inland, if a giant redwood tree fell on the pair in a secluded area, smashing the clam shell and driving the nail deep into the ground, would the tree make a sound and would anyone care?