Take time to consider what some call our closest cousins, the Great Apes. They are said to be only one DNA strand away from walking upright, wearing suits and trading stocks. I don’t know. It seems to me that even though some people can exhibit ape like behavior, I feel no kinship with a ball of fuzz that swings from tree to tree, hoots and howls and shows off its rear end, which resembles one big hemorrhoid.
In order to give this notion credence (if there is any to be had) we will explore some of the similarities between the two.
Take the Orangutan: An orange, fat-cheeked knuckle dragger, intelligent enough to sit in a truck and signal a right turn. Now I personally know more than one person who can accomplish this task plus slug down a beer. Score: Man 1, Ape 0.
We move next to the chimpanzee. If old movies are any indication, they like to wear cute little dresses, ride tricycles and perform to adoring crowds on TV and the stage. When they are grown, however, they find pleasure in ripping human faces from their moorings, eating their other ape buddies and in some cases retiring to a palatial Hollywood estate, where they swill beer and watch soaps.
Cute little dresses, tricycles, television, beer and soap operas all belong to the human race, leaving face ripping and cannibalism to the cute little chimps. Score: Man 2, Ape 0.
Now for the Gorilla, a larger version of chimpanzee only not as violent. I encountered one such individual in a mid-western zoo, who I immediately named “Recycle”. This primate could have been the poster-child for the Green Movement. No doubt I had entered the exhibit during feeding time, as Recycle was busy chowing down on the grass-laden turds he himself had produced. He would extract them fresh from the source, and deposit them in his tooth-filled facial orifice. Yum.
‘Nuff said. Man 3, Ape 0.
To conclude this post, I would be remiss if I did not mention the crap-throwing lesser apes, otherwise known as monkeys.
Now to really conclude this post, as I am want to do, I usually find a way to tie this into writing. This post is no different. However, the lesson I seek to impart is simple: Enjoy what you write. I’ve had a blast writing this little vignette about apes and feces.