I Resolve Not to Resolve Any Resolute Revolutionary Resolutions

5ccacd00-1ae8-4a14-b670-6abcb8e9b2ecHere we find ourselves firmly entrenched in the holiday season. First there was Thanksgiving… 4 lbs. Then Christmas… another 4 lbs. and now we face the New Year, which should add another 4 lbs. plus a resolution to lose 12 lbs.

If you were approached by one of the large publishing houses to write a book on New Year’s resolutions, what would you do?

I certainly can’t speak for you, but my first inclination would be to run away screaming. Not being one to shy away from a challenge, I would curtail my flight and begin my journey into the realm of New Year’s resolutions.

First off, we must begin this search for statistical information to give our book credence. Sadly, your chances of achieving your goal are all but doomed before you start. Resolutions have a 92% failure rate.

Common attempts to better one’s self include:
1. Lose Weight
2. Quit Smoking
3. Spend Less
4. Stay Fit
5. Get Organized
6. If you master any of these, then this list is more than enough!

By the first week of January 50% of those who dare to delve into the realm of resolutions have already bitten the dust. Actually bite the dust is a bit anticlimactic. A mouth full of dirt, with head buried halfway into the ground is more on the order of what really takes place.

I feel as though I have dug into the merciless pit of despair and human failure. The depression brought about by such an unnecessary fiasco prevents me from clawing any further into this sea of broken dreams.

So there you have it. Better yourself if you must, although I would strongly advise against it unless you are blessed with an unusually strong supply of will power.

What else can I say? If you decide to plunge into this dark menagerie of failure and confusion, please obtain a reputable psychiatrist, antidepressants, tranquilizers, and it never hurts to have quick access to your local suicide hot line.

I do so hope that I’ve not deterred you from adopting a plan that will improve your situation during the upcoming year. If so, that was not my intention and I apologize. I merely wish to supply you with the facts so that you can make your own informed decisions.

If you will excuse me I believe my mental health doctor is taking holiday calls and I have yet to finish my lunch (a Xanax sandwich).
Have a wonderful New Year and we’ll talk next week.

Nighty, night.

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