The story I’m about to tell on this blog post may seem a trifle difficult to comprehend, but I assure you it may or may not have happened. You see, this incident befell someone very close to me. In fact, this person was of my loins by marriage.
One day, (I won’t release her name but her initials are Sarah Russell Johnson) this so called Sarah developed a ghastly cold. Being the mother that she is, Sarah did not let this interfere with the daily job of caring for Baby J. (From here on known as Lil’ Ed)
Her husband, Big J, (aka Greggy Boy) began to notice clear blobs of a jelly like substance strewn willy nilly about the house. This posed quite a conundrum, for no one in the house consumed peanut butter and clear jelly sandwiches.
Little known to Greggy Boy and Lil’ Ed these blobs of unknown origin would soon turn to trails of an origin that would best… stop the presses! I have gotten ahead of myself. Please indulge my reverting to a point earlier in the story so as not to confuse.
The one called Sarah was in for more than she had bargained. It seems this cold had been brought on by a bacteriological virus not of this world posing as an invisible chunk of air floating about the house.
The next sign that something was really wrong surfaced as a severe case of conjunctivitis. Her eye would swell to the size of a small basketball oozing with a thick purulent fluid that must be drained every fifteen minutes.
All was fine, considering, until two soft antennae with round knobs on each end began to protrude from the top of her head. The so called conjunctivitis had moved to the other eye and this fine young mother began to slump and display a thick semi-translucent tail that provided the trail we discussed earlier in the story.
The next morning the adoring mother, now turned adoring slug, set about her usual duties feeding Lil’ Ed, smooching her husband so long as he merrily traversed his way to work.
As we know slugs are extremely slow, but once Lil ’Ed discovered the salt shaker and what it would do to even the smallest of snail-like creatures, his adoring mother found the speed of a jet powered cheetah on crack. This kept the pair moving at supersonic speeds for the better part of the day.
As this dreary scene played out, the adoring mother/Sarah Russell Johnson, also known as Slug Mamma, was resigned to sleeping on the back deck covered in a tarp. She would travel along a carefully laid trail of polyethylene strategically placed throughout the house.
All salt and salt laden products were removed from the house. Being the industrious little fellow that he is, Lil’ Ed snuck from his room one night and obtained a rather large salt lick. He dissolved a portion into his Slug Mamma’s water bowl. Fortunately, through a miscalculation in the amount of salt placed in her water, Slug Mamma developed just a few dry patches on the top of her head along with a ten-fold increase in secretions completing her transition to Puss Mama.
Becoming fed up with the entire situation, Greggy Boy threw Puss Mamma and Lil’ Ed in his truck (Puss Mamma in the bed of course) and headed off to the slime doctor. (The only one in Richmond is located in the basement of the Short Pump Wal-Mart).
After a quick consultation, the doctor removed a salt lick from his vast stash of lickable salt, crushed half a block, and mixed it with warm water. After the solution was fully dissolved, he dumped it over Puss Mamma.
It dispersed enough of the slime to expose the zipper on the slug suit that had been placed on Puss Mamma by a group of mischievous alien teenagers.
Now that things are back to normal in the Johnson household all eyes can’t help but glance upward wondering what could come next.
All the while Lil’ Ed sits on the side of his bed swinging his feet and one finger placed vertically across his lips. Occasionally, he’ll reach up and smack at the small protrusion trying to work its way out of his head.