Talk About Your Gruesome Twosome…I’m Just Glad There Ain’t Three Of’em

Are you the type of person who wouldn’t notice a giraffe riding a bicycle backward, waving a purple flag with the image of Sir Edmund Hillary’s right boot unlacing itself on it, all the while singing “Pop Goes the Weasel,” boys bike wreakreading a book (written by me on the subject of teaching giraffes to ride bicycles) and munching on a peanut butter and anchovy sandwich if it rolled in front of you at an intersection?

Or, are you more of the type who would sneak into the ape exhibit at your local zoological park, spend hours picking nits from your many monkey mates in order to pick smaller nits off the nits you’ve already picked?

Perhaps you find solace in measuring dust bunnies for an upcoming obstacle course you’ve been mulling around in your head for quite some time?

Whatever it is, do it with fervor because when you least expect it, they’re coming after you with a tranquilizer gun and a net.

Me? Well I’m somewhere in the middle. On this wonderful blue ball that God blessed us with as our home we have our fair share of good, bad, quirky and everything in between.

I tend to look at things and wonder why they are the way they are, when it would have been so much simpler and in some cases less painful to incorporate a small change in the planning phase of the particular object.

Case in point: the bicycle

First take a few moments to ponder anatomical differences between boys and girls giving the naughty bits special consideration.

Having done this, review in your mind the design and construction of the modern day bicycle keeping the differences of the so named “girls” or “boys” model firmly entrenched within your thought process.

Now, allow me to pose to you one of many situations that are quite likely to occur.

You’re pedaling down a dirt road. The day is warm. A slight southerly breeze instills within you a sense of well-being. Yes, this is one of the few perfect days we experience during the course of a year.  In a flash you catch a blur in your peripheral vision. It’s that lunatic giraffe on his backward bike crossing the road again.

Swerving to avoid a collision, you run off the road, down a slight embankment, and into a tree. Now, herein lies the problem as “physics” (a subject I never studied) comes into play in a very, very, big way.

Side note: The problem being, just because I didn’t study physics, doesn’t mean it does not exist.

When the bicycle you’re riding comes to a sudden, nay an instantaneous stop, your body continues its forward progression (here’s where we will learn our first physics term “inertia”) and once your bottom clears the seat gravity takes over (and there’s our second term, “gravity”). Considering you are a male and have just plowed into said tree, if you’re riding a girl’s bike your feet will hit the ground first–no harm no foul.  In the second scenario, you are a male riding a boy’s bike (here’s where the physics terms we learned earlier come into play).

Inertia: The force that must be overcome in order to stop an object in motion or to put a stagnant object into motion.

Gravity: …I sincerely hope that any explanation is unnecessary.

Once your bottom begins to move forward on the seat, inertia has been overcome and gravity becomes the enemy. Your feet are longer the first objects to come in contact with the ground, rather the steel bar that runs just inches below your seat becomes the second place where inertia goes to die, along with your boys, as they collide in a disfiguring, mutilated, mash of crushed manhood……Nuff said…… Correction…… Too much said!

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