Sometimes I Outta Keep My Mouth Shut!

If you follow my blog, you know that for the past few weeks I’ve been screaming down the bottomless pit of rewrites and edits. And for the last two weeks, words have been popping up randomly within the recesses of my tighty whitiesbrain and crawling forward at the most inopportune times. Thankfully, I’ve been able to successfully incorporate these words into my weekly posts .

This, however, will be the last installment of these rogue out-of-control words and phrases. For I have taken myself to task to install a small electronic device that will battle these words as they attempt to scratch and claw their way into the limelight. This device I have personally constructed and installed, (hopefully) attaching the leads to the proper brain synapses. The correct voltage is as yet to be determined (a watch battery having no effect and a household electrical plug blasting all the hair from my body and reducing me to a diaper wearing drool monkey for several days).

I am opting for eight Baghdad batteries which I also constructed from coconut shells, vinegar, clay, steel, rebar, and a zinc-coated nail. There are minor glitches in the system, so I may tend to…….I’m not really sure what I may or may not do…… We’ll deal with those as they arise, if indeed they come at all.

So let’s get started on our last time-bandit, one commonly referred to as “sleep”.

Sleep, the final frontier. Think about it. When else can you lie comfortably in your bed and experience the excitement of life in a dream, and most likely something you would never encounter in your day-to-day life?

Perhaps you are one who dreams of living life on the edge. There you are, just having conquered the summit of Mount Everest. However, your conquest is like no other. You completed this daunting task without oxygen, wearing swim fins, a speedo, tube top and a beanie cap complete with propeller.

You slip your carefully folded jet-powered hang-glider from beneath your beanie. Then, push the “no assembly required” button and you’re off from the top of Everest to the seashore of South Africa where you sell ice by day, wrestle great whites by night, and on your days off, enjoy tea and crumpets with the Queen.

Wait a minute…….Something’s feeling really wrong here, man…… If medicine balls weighed as much as a regular ball would the former medicine ball be known as the ball formerly known as a medicine ball?…….Ah ha, just a glitch I spoke of earlier…… Nothing to see here, just move along.

How about a trip to the moon? On a rocket? No sir, not for you. Why would you waste a perfectly good dream-scape on something as wimpy as a luxury metal tube when you can travel like a real man? I can see it now, you blasting through the cosmos on a rocket-powered swing-set, towing a team of gerbils and a three-legged, impregnated hippopotamus. You make a perfect landing and then ride the hippopotamus to meet the Queen for tea and gerbils. Of course, this get together is strictly BYOG.

I think I’m going to finish up this post with a question; in fact, quite the personal question.

Where is the strangest place you have ever woken up, with or without alcohol being involved?

I guess I’ll have to go first, after all this is my blog…… Unless someone or something has stolen my brain, transferred it to an immature pumpkin until it can be harvested for a Halloween celebration next fall………… No worries, just another glitch. So here goes!

Back when I was but a young whippersnapper, I was dating a girl who was originally from the mountains. On one of our winter trips to see her kinfolk, we stayed with her brother-in-law. Now, just as in my house today, if you’re not married and you and your main squeeze are staying with me overnight, plan to be squeezing on something besides each other until after sunrise.

The particular night in question was a bit on the chilly side, in the teen’s I believe. We had just said our good nights; then, it was boys to one room and girls to the other. I had probably been asleep an hour or two when I awoke not knowing where I was, but convinced I had to get out of that room.

After groping around in the dark for what seemed like hours I finally located my escape passage. This house, like most in the mountains, was built on an incline. In this particular situation, the front of the home was one story and the back nearly two. Needless to say the room in which I slept was at the rear of the house; so out of the window, two stories down onto the frozen ground in my tighty whities, I went.

There’s nothing like the feel of frost on bare feet to gently nudge a young man, such as myself, out of his slumber.

Imagine having to awaken someone by banging on the front door at 2: 30 in the morning, only to find you standing on the front porch with nothing more than a small thin piece of cotton between you and the Lord.

I do believe I have said enough for one day. I am now going to sit in the closet for a while.

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