Keep the and’s, and the but’s, Just Drop the IF’s

if

“If”…… There’s that word again. I sometimes think it should be abolished. I mean, does it really have a valid use? No other word denotes such confusion and uncertainty.

“If” this were to happen.

“If” that were to happen.

 However, “if” we were to rid ourselves of that nasty little preposition, think of all the great speculation we would lose.

“If” I were to pen a novel and refuse to incorporate the word, “If,” would it be a refreshing respite from an old, stale has-been or more like a man with one foot nailed to the floor, running around in circles?

And “If” I were successful in ridding the world of this scourge, can you imagine the outcry for a replacement?

I can see it now…there would be riots in the street, destruction of property, possible injuries, total anarchy through every town, city, village and Hamlet. “If” I had only waited to abolish that filthy little scamp “If.”

Then, as our peaceful existence succumbed to mob rule, they would most certainly blame me. And “If” they did, I envision hordes of men, women, children, and fuzzy little pets from hound dogs to hamsters with torches and pitchforks, all after blood… Mine!

 If” I were able to escape and make my way into seclusion, I would be forced to work day and night, night and day without food or sleep and barely enough water to keep my poor emaciated self alive. Then, “If” at all possible, I would gather together a group of nomadic pygmies to act as liaison between myself and the ones who would have my head.

 As I envision possible replacements for that dastardly two lettered faux pas, “If,” I would send the leader of the pygmy liaisons, “Bob,” to meet with the head pitchfork toting nanny, “Henrietta,” to see if the predetermined word is a feasible replacement for “If.”

 For instance, what about using “unknown” instead of “If:” “If” I were to eat a sardine sandwich.

 The new sentence would read: “Unknown” I were to eat a sardine sandwich.

 See what I mean? A perfectly acceptable substitute. Don’t you agree? You do, don’t you? Please say that you do, “If” you don’t mind. I’ve got a lot riding on this.

 Or how about using, “but?” That works, doesn’t it?  “But” I were to eat a sardine sandwich.…

 Here’s one, “Doubt,” yeah, that’s it. Listen to how this flows off the tongue.

 “Doubt” I were to eat a sardine sandwich. See what I mean?

 Now “If” Bob can only get Henrietta to go along with my stunning replacement for “If” then all will be right with the world once someone cleans up the mess.

 Wait a minute. What “If” they can’t reach an agreement? What “If” Bob turns on me? What

“If” the word “If” comes to life and joins the foray?…

 You know, the more I think about it, the more I think that “If” isn’t such a bad word after all…

“if” it’s all the same to you.

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January 13, 2014 · 2:56 PM

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