I am seriously considering forming a blue ribbon fact finding commission to study the feasibility and the possible removal from the English language of the word if.
Now keep those feet planted firmly on the ground and hear me out. This is not the time for a knee-jerk reaction.
We’ll start off by using the word in a sentence
“If a bullfrog had wings he wouldn’t bump his butt when he jumped.”
Now as we seek to determine the validity of the statement, we find that it has no legitimate reason for existing. Then why does it? Because of the word if.
Now if the statement read: “Bullfrogs have no wings, therefore they bump their butt when they jump.” This makes perfect sense. When you add the word if, it makes the sentence pure conjecture and therefore not relevant to anything.
This formula can be applied to all the uses of if: “If I had just not left my phone at home.” “If I had just filled my gas tank up.” “If only my legs were longer I could reach the top shelf.” “If only I could quit relying on the word if.”
Take some time to think about this scenario I have suggested. Soon a petition will be circulated to every man, woman, and child in the United States including Alaska, Hawaii, and all of the U.S. territories. I urge you to vote yes and abolish this useless and confusing declaration.
While we’re on the subject of ridding the world of useless words, phrases, and other non-essential niceties, let’s examine the phrase: “If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.”
I can blow this one out of the water. If you’ll notice, and I’m sure you have, you can now bid on items as advertised on T.V. for extremely reasonable prices. Things like a fifty-five inch flat screen T.V. for only $9.95, or a 2013 B.M.W. for 700 greenbacks. And then there’s my favorite: A Scottish castle for only $29.95 U.S. Too good to be true? ‘Nuff said.
I will now pose two questions that we will research in depth in the near future.
Question number one: Why are words that begin with an “X” pronounced like they begin with a “Z”?
Question number two: What is this attraction between tornadoe
s and trailer parks?
If you’re an author and happen to live in a trailer park, maybe you could shed some light on this all-important question in your next manuscript.
Until next time, if all goes well…
See? It just doesn’t work.
Post script: Also, pay no attention to any instances where I may have used the word if in this document. They are, of course, totally irrelevant, and once the petition is signed, will no longer appear in this or any other blog.