Ashes or Dust, I Don’t Care…It Costs too Much

English: Entrance to Boot Hill Cemetary in Tom...

English: Entrance to Boot Hill Cemetary in Tombstone, Arizona (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Peeves, in the form of adoring pets (i.e., pet peeves), we all seem to have. Some tend to bother us more than others. As we age they tend to bother us even more. One of mine I would like to share and I am sure you would love to hear concerns the funeral system in this country.

Caretakers of the deceased provide a necessary service but I was always taught that I should get dinner or at least a kiss before being treated in that manner. According to television, the average funeral costs around eight thousand dollars. Now, my first question: Why do we need anything more than a pine box (or if that’s not your style, poplar is always a nice alternative)? Personally, I would opt for cardboard.  It’s easy on the pall-bearers and decays quickly plus your average tree hugger won’t proclaim tree abuse due to my final resting box being constructed of wood …Wait a minute…Cardboard does come from trees!  Oh well, can’t please everybody…

I want to reiterate that I am all for the respectful approach to the way we bid farewell to our loved ones, whether sitting up with the dead in our homes, a funeral home wake, or memorial service after someone has been cremated. However, what jerks a knot in my rear end is the price we are expected to pay for this service.

Before I take a second mortgage out on my home to pay for this, let’s examine our final farewell amenities including options that I’m sure are not complementary. (On a side note: a casket and a coffin are not the same thing. A casket is the rectangular-shaped receptacle we use today, while a coffin is tapered at the top and bottom–what you’d see in your average Western.) You can select your basic model casket for that thrifty bon voyage or your more ornate, exotic, carved wooden model that just screams, “I’m styling now, baby!”

We can also have the double-walled, galvanized box with a waterproof seal to prevent that soggy feeling. There are also drawers to store memorabilia, I can only suppose, so that the corpse does not get bored during those long, drawn out days of eternity.

If you’re predisposed to enjoying a hot, dry climate, then cremation may be the very thing for you. And of course, you will want to select an appropriate urn to inter the dusty gray pile of YOU. I would think something on the order of an oatmeal box or a coffee can would prove to be a suitable container for my benefit–I love the smell of coffee.

As I step down from my bully pulpit, I contemplate all that I have said in this post.  I pause, shrug my shoulders and think one last thought, if you’re a writer, then get to writing, ‘cause after you’re dead, your fingers don’t work as well.

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