Somebody’s Gonna Pay for This Hangnail and it Ain’t Gonna be Me!

Each week I pause from my usual writing and take time to pen a blog. It’s a nice respite and gives me a chance to vent in a humorous way. It’s nearly impossible not to repeat subjects, if for no other reason than the volume of blogs I write.

Occasionally, a repetitive subject will slip through the cracks and make its way into another blog, usually and thankfully in a different format.

And then again, some folks make repetition easy. They spread their fodder thick, leaving a trail of fuel for anyone to pick up and run with.

So is the case with this week’s post.

As with most professions, the majority of participants are upstanding in their fields and deal with their clientele in a respectable and ethical manner.

And then, just when I thought it was safe to enter society again, the meat wagon chasers are back out in force. I think what gets me is there is obviously no shame, in their eyes, as to which direction their vocation happens to take them. As long as that rectangular piece of paper with the picture of a dead president is involved, most anything is fair game.

Did you realize that now there is the potential for cancer if you overuse talcum powder? Who knew that this innocent box of slick, white, comfort could cause such calamity? I’m certainly not an expert on such matters, but I did wear a constant coat of the fine powder on my bottom as a baby and my son, wanting to follow in the footsteps of his father, did the same.

During the summer months, after a day’s work and a shower, what’s better than a few shakes of the plastic bottle; not to mention the chafing relief to be had from this miracle powder?

What’s the next deadly product heading down the pike?  Denture cream.

It seems as though an overuse of denture cream has been linked to neurological problems due to the zinc used in some products… I don’t know. Never had a lot of experience with such items, but I find myself having to ask a question.

Do we have to sue for everything?

Most products, whether prescription or over-the-counter, carry with them warnings. I guess I’ll answer my own question. Greed, just plain greed. It all goes back to the dead presidents I mentioned earlier. Of course, the gut-wagon feeders attempting to drum up business don’t help the overall situation.

What I really want to know is how did, Hamilton and Franklin get mixed in with a club almost exclusively meant for deceased commanders and chiefs? Although I’ll have to admit that Franklin has become one of my favorite pieces of paper.
Once again I’m gonna wrap this thing up. I’ll start by admitting that I’m loaded with more faults than I could possibly count, given a lifetime to do so.

But (never start a sentence with but), I work for one who has no equal and a retirement plan that’s out of this world.

Did I mention he has lots of openings?

And (never start a sentence with and), boy do I sleep good at night.

Leave Me Alone; It’s Just a Hangnail!

Generic regular strength enteric coated 325mg aspirin tablets, (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

At one time or another during our lives most of us will require the services of a good barrister–for example, responsible documentation such as wills or legal papers for business start-ups.  This also includes irresponsible behavior including, but not limited to, DUIs, robbery, vandalism and other criminal activities…and we mustn’t forget the ever popular divorce proceedings.

Even I have not escaped this legal mud bog.  Although I’ve managed to remain misdemeanor and felony free all my life, I have had to retain the services of legal counsel in the past.  My will is in order.  My business was started legally and ethically.  Even though the economy sent it swirling down the toilet, we twisted and turned knowing that we had been flushed in good conscious.

I’ve started a new paragraph thinking that the next topic deserved a place of its own on this post…and that would be my divorce.  You can’t believe what you are missing, especially when you have kids… what a wonderful experience this is.  The years it takes from your life are all planned for you.  The resources it relieves you of gives you that much less financial burden to worry about.  And the friends you incur during this endearing process last a lifetime, or at least until the child support comes to an end.

I have met and worked with lawyers of integrity, moral fiber and an ethical sense of right and wrong.  Now enter the circling buzzards.  You know, the meat wagon chasing belly crawlers we frequently encounter on our electronic picture boxes they use to enter our homes.

From near as I can tell there is a lawsuit for every drug ingested by man since the advent of aspirin in the early twentieth century until whatever new drug comes out tomorrow.  There are suits against surgical implants, common analgesics and even denture cream. And please know that my heart pours out to those affected by the side effects.

This entry in my blog is a partial repeat but I believe it bears saying again.  If our pharmaceuticals are taken off the market due to lawsuits then where do we find ourselves?  Since I asked the question I suppose I should come up with some kind of answer.  Go back a hundred years to the flu pandemic of 1911 and 1912.  Aspirin at that time was a miracle drug.  Do we really want to give up oral medication for more invasive procedures?  And what about my dentures? They’ll keep falling out.

As awkward as it may seem, I can easily relate this post to writing.  And that would be, and I emphasize:  DON’T WRITE ANYTHING STUPID!  Now excuse me.  I’m having a heart attack and my doctor told me to take two aspirin and call him in the morning.

There Oughta’ Be a Law…Maybe That’s the Problem?

Buzzard (Photo credit: Richard Towell)

Does this sound familiar? “Have you used the nasal ointment, Snot-Away, and experienced any of the following symptoms: waxy ears, in-grown toe nails, hair on the top of your head, or an insatiable desire to eat when hungry? If so, call 1-800-IDIOTS-R-US because you may be entitled to compensation for your suffering.”

I am considering a class-action suit seeking punitive damages for the mind-numbingly repetitive invitations to sue for any outlandish claim that I am inundated with day after day on television. Change the channel, you say? There’s not a channel or a time of day in which these ambulance-chasers do not vie for my business.

I would bet I could slip on a bar of soap in my shower, injure myself, and find a lawyer who would take the case of Me vs. Me. With all the bad drugs out there, I’m surprised we’re not all dead. Instead, for some strange reason (Could it be the meat-wagon buzzards?…I think not.) we are living longer and having to endure less invasive procedures. (Could it be the evil drug companies and their miracle chemicals?) Well that’s where I’d put my money, that is IF I was a bettin’ man. Even an aspirin can kill someone with an allergy to the analgesic. To quote a great man, “That’s all I’ve got to say about that.” (You can add the accent.)

If you’re a follower of my blog, you know it’s at this point that I usually reveal the previous paragraphs as a metaphor for the craft of writing. This is made easier due to the ludicrous message I have brought to your attention. With that in mind, here goes…

When writing fiction, you can be as outlandish as you wish as long as you don’t step too far across the line of believability. In contrast, lawsuits can travel outside the realm of human belief and still be considered factual, no matter how ridiculous the content.

So as I wrap this one up, remember to write with fervor, embrace your story, and  let the ridiculous diversions in this world roll off you like water off a duck’s back, for when it’s all said and done, they’re worth nothing more than a good laugh because, in all truth, that’s exactly what they are.  I guess being put together as I am, I tend not to suffer fools gladly.